Devon's Halloween Baptism

 I know that the family is ordained of God. We have to fight for each other. When Steve left on his mission he had no idea how far reaching his choice would be. Hearts have been softened and his influence has been felt directly by my sweet daughter Jessica's family. I would say this is one of the most important Baptism's of Steve's mission and it happened right here at home, he wasn't in physical attendance but I know his whole heart was there. At first Devon wanted Grandpa Todd to both Baptize and Confirm him. But it the truest missionary spirit Todd encouraged him to chose one of the missionaries who had taught him since they don't get to preform many baptisms very often.

 This is the Talk I gave at the baptism:

Devon made the choice today to be baptized. That is a big deal. Lets talk about why this is such a big deal. First of all it’s a choice. Devon’s parents and all his family would love him just the same baptized or not. So it’s a big deal that he is doing this because it’s right for him and not to please anyone but God and himself.

As you grow up Devon you will find that there are those who say they follow Jesus Christ and there are those who show they follow Jesus Christ. Some of those who say it don’t take it into their hearts and live what they say they believe. Today you are not only saying that you want to follow Christ you are showing it. It is really important to do both. You are a very special boy. The power to choose is a big deal and you have parents that support you in making good choices. You made this choice, you choose today to do your very best to spend your life trying to be like Jesus Christ. I promise you that this choice will bring you so much happiness and joy not just today but as you grow and try to be more like Jesus you will feel a special kind of happy strength grow inside of you. Your spirit will become a strong warrior able to resist wrong and shining out to others as an example of the happiness that comes if you live a life seeking to be like Christ. This is what it means to, ‘Take his name upon you.’

Today you will go under the water and come up out of the water. This is to show your faith that you understand that Jesus Christ and all of us will rise from the grave not as zombies, not as mummies but as perfect resurrected human beings. Death is not the end.

Mormon 7:5 Know ye that ye must come to the knowledge of your fathers, and repent of all your sins and iniquities, and believe in Jesus Christ, that he is the Son of God, and that he was slain by the Jews, and by the power of the Father he hath risen again, whereby he hath gained the victory over the grave; and also in him is the sting of death swallowed up.  

This is possible because of Jesus Christ’s Atonement. Atonement means ‘one with Christ’. I have found that the best way to become one with Christ is to be Accountable. To be accountable means that when you do anything that is wrong you will stand before those that you have wronged and admit what you have done. It’s not a fun thing to do it feels pretty uncomfortable. Jesus stood accountable for all of us. He understood us, all our pain, from our bad choices and from the bad choices of others. He stood before God and said I will take the punishment for all the wrong doings that Devon Radebe will chose in his life. I will also feel all the pain and sadness that he will feel. He did this for us all. Isn’t it beautiful to think that he understands all our hurt and all our pain. God is the only one who really knows what it is like to feel the way you feel about anything and everything. It is the greatest Miracle of all Miracles that he could take our punishment and make a way for us to be forgiven.

Each Sunday when you take the Sacrament you are standing Accountable before God. It’s important for you to understand that Accountability is an important part of repentance. It’s the part that shows everyone what is really most important to us and who matters most to us. For example: If you have done something wrong you need to do all you can to make it right. In the government this is called restitution. If you hurt Kiana you need to do more than say sorry right. First of all you need to be accountable, tell your Mom or Dad that you know you hurt her and that it was wrong. Then you have got to do something to show or make it as right as you can. If you ruined her lego creation you could make it right by giving her some of your favorite pieces to build with. Or helping her to rebuild what you destroyed.

When we chose to be Baptized it’s because we know that we can’t be perfect so we do it to show what really matters to us is accepting Jesus Christ’s gift of  saving us. Baptism shows everyone what is really most important to us and who matters most to us. Today you stand before God and you are Accountable you admit that you can not make it alone and you admit that you know you are going to make some mistakes. You also promise to make it right. The restitution you offer is to always remember him, to take his name upon you, you are a Christian, and to keep his Commandments. You will do this today and each Sunday when you take the sacrament. I challenge you to say a prayer either Saturday night or Sunday morning. This will be a special weekly prayer a prayer that you say to prepare to take the sacrament. Pray for help, forgiveness and tell God what is in your heart. Make him your best friend and team mate, tell him what you want, what you need and prepare yourself to feel again the newness and the joy that you feel today as you are baptized. You can feel joy that comes from the clensing power of Baptism each week as you take the sacrament. But it requires effort. You can’t just say it you must show it. Be totally honest with God in your prayers. He will help you to face all of the battles of life. He will help you to find the strength to stand Accountable as a Represtentative of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ. 

 

He lives Devon. I know this, not because I have seen him or any angels for that matter. I hope for it and I have acted on that hope and it has grown into a strong faith. That faith that I have in my Savior and yours is very strong. I have had some very special experiences in prayer, in the temple, in life and each one has helped my faith to grow. I know that as you work to live like Jesus and try with all your heart to keep the commandments and be accountable when you don’t that your hope and faith can grow strong to. I have felt bad and had some really sad times to and I have felt my faith grow then as well. Jesus Christ will not leave us alone if we seek him out we will find him in good times and bad ones. He wants us to join with him and feel the joy and peace that come from being on the Lord’s side. You have chosen today to join the right team, the winning team. Today you make a very wise choice. I love you!

 Three future missionaries Baptized in the last year and a half. My son, my nephew and my grandson. Love these three sweet boys!!!

Shame is The Enemy

I stopped blogging. In April I got heartbreaking news and I just couldn't write. No one called me to say someone died. I didn't have a police officer on my door step telling me someone was in a terrible car accident and I didn't sit in a Doctors office and find out someone in the family was ill. My shattering news was not the kind we share. I am and always have been a very open person. I don't keep secrets, I am very comfortable with who I am and willing to share just about anything about my life for the most part that has always been okay. This day this awful day in April I was not okay and I felt a overwhelming amount of shame. My single most important job, my dream job, my duty and responsibility as a Mother....I had failed utterly. One of my children had been hurt in a way that no child ever should be. I had failed to protect my child, to keep them safe. My single most sacred duty as a Mother and I failed. Now what? A child doesn't understand these things they don't understand how they will be affected in the future. What could I possibly do. To make matters worse my enemy the person I should hate is someone I also love. My foster son was the perpetrator. I lost my son.

I have no doubt that God loves me! He is a tangible being, he exists! I know it! I had so many hard conversations the day I found out. My Jessica (foster daughter 28 married with three kids.) called me and told me she was worried about Cameron (her biological brother and my foster son also married but separated and caring for his step son.) She had been tending his step son and there was some concerning behavior that led her to believe that Cameron may be molesting his step son. A gray feeling washed over me I knew her concerns were valid and I gasped as I realized that my own children and hers could have been preyed upon. Later in the day I asked one of my children if they were afraid of Cameron. The answer was affirmative and... devastating! How did I stay calm. How did I call Cameron and tell him that I loved him and that I wanted to help him and that I wanted him to get help. He denied it all. I told him that I had to believe my child. He said of course you do. It was a peaceful loving conversation. How did I do that, how did I have that conversation. Then there was Todd (my husband). I had to tell Todd. He held me in his arms while I cried really cried for the first time. I had cried a little when speaking to the law officer earlier. It was important to act fast as Cameron was living out of his car and could easily disappear with his step son. He was found that night and the child was taken into protective custody. Later I would listen to Jessica sob and apologize for bringing her brother into our lives. I would sit that evening with Todd and our child. We would talk about it, what had happened, what was going to happen and I would be strong. How did I do it. How did I survive that awful day. There is only one explanation, God my Heavenly Father helped me get through that day. My Savior died for not only my sins but my pain and I felt the gift of his love, mercy and grace.

Audrie and Tyler

One week prior to all of this I had sat in Church listening to a beautiful song, 'I know that My Redeemer Lives'. I felt strongly that it was the song that should be sung at Cael's upcoming baptism. I also felt impressed to ask Audrie (Sophomore in High school) if she would sing the song with her sweet heart at the time, Tyler. She didn't want to ask him to sing with her and I told her I know it's uncomfortable but I just know it is what is supposed to happen. The two of them practiced the song together in our front room the following week. I listened to them practice after that awful day and then I knew exactly why they needed to sing that song. If I had asked anyone else to sing they wouldn't have practiced at our house with our out-of-tune piano. Tyler played the guitar and the two of them practiced after school and my home was filled with that comforting music a prayer of gratitude that our family so needed.

My Mother once pointed out to me that it is Satan that taught man shame. We were in the celestial room of the temple when she told me that. Shame is the enemy. It was shame that I was and am still battling today. How could I not have known. How could I have failed so miserably. I was so ashamed. I would find myself in a place called 'The Children's Justice Center' sitting in a room while my child was interviewed and recorded by a detective. I would sit with a councilor and talk about my feelings and how I was handling the situation. Then visiting with the detective who told me it was an incredibly smooth interview. This came as no surprise my child is strong, honest, brave and a person who understands that they are a child of God and that with that understanding doing the right thing is a must and blessings come when we do. This was their opportunity to take something bad that happened to them and do something good with it. Help protect another child.

I have been privately in mourning since that day. On a couple of occasions I have found myself in tears. Something someone says or does awakens the ache in my heart. I have had a few special conversations with sweet friends. One particular friend who can relate to how I feel and those conversations help me to heal. I go forward knowing that I have a lost boy, now man out in the world who is truly lost and I pray that help will come for him and that he will remember the last words I will likely ever say to him, "I love you". One of the most miraculous things about this whole thing is that I do love Cameron. I hurt for him. I hope for him. I can't believe that I don't hate him, but I don't. He won't be a part of our lives again. I write this in my blog first because it is part of my story but more importantly because there are people who know Cameron because they knew me and they should know that he is not safe and shouldn't be trusted.

Jessica and her beautiful family.

 As for my kids. Jessica is still struggling and healing. She said to me in one of our conversations how wonderful it was that I believed my child because no one, not even her biological mother believed her as a child. She really is such a wonderful mother and I see her healing from her childhood wounds and am so thankful to be a part of her support system. So much joy has come into my life because I am a foster parent. I refuse to regret bringing her and her brother into my home. So much learning, love and joy have come from it. I have my first three grandchildren and they are beautiful!

I will have concern for my child as they grow into adulthood, will this be a haunting memory that is revisited, very likely the answer is yes. I hope with all my heart that they marry a loving companion who can help them work through any pain that is carried. I have faith that they will.

I continue to work on forgiving myself. The tapestry of my life has so many layers and so many people woven into it. There is a weak spot in the cloth right now and I am working hard to mend it. People sometimes only see one of the colors of my tapestry or a section. Unknowingly there have been kind people who have said the absolutely wrong things to me at the wrong time and have fed the beast of shame. If you are reading this and think you may be one of them please know it is okay. This is my refiner's fire. I am learning and growing and it hurts terribly but I know it is for the best.  My Dad taught me very young not to pass judgement to quickly because you just don't see and can't see someone's whole story. This post this whole blog is just a little glimpse of my story from my perspective and I share it with hope and faith in my heart that those who read it do so lovingly.

Back To School

Elder Johnson,

 It's wonderful to hear you have not lost your zeal! I love how energized you are. Life here is pretty much the same. I am still folding laundry on my bed while Audrie lays on the other side yacking away about boys. School has started it was strange to get all the kids but one off to school and then to be heading out the door for work with one still in bed calling out to me to have a nice day at work. A strange role reversal there for me.

 Steve is Steve, he still loves to argue with me, since the pool is now closed I have put him in charge of the chickens eggs, feed, cleaning the coop, all of it. He also walks and brushes Lady. I know how you must miss our dog ;) We have had more rain and thunder storms than normal for August so our sweet Lady is always freaking out. You'd love it!!!

 I don't know if Steve told you that he totaled my little black Honda. Yep no more driving for Steve. He actually got in two accidents that day one of his traditional parking lot bang ups and then one on Redwood Rd. he didn't get a ticket, whatever that is supposed to prove.

I am enjoying working in the lunch room at Taylorsville. I especially enjoy the kids that come in and freak out because I am there. I know you would have been one of those if I had been there last year. There are a few who clearly don't want me to acknowledge knowing them so I just smile. With the exception of Tyler Breinholt who I enjoyed making a fuss over because I could tell he wanted to pretend he didn't know me. So that was fun!!!

Audrie is more boy crazy then ever. She is being a bit of a smoochy face.

Football has started and both Cael and Sharp are playing. I thought Cael would be a whiner about it but so far he is liking it. He lost his first game and as he came in the house he passed Lily and asked, "Who do you think won my game?" She said she didn't know and with a relaxed heave of his shoulders he said, "Not me!" and walked on by like it was no big thing. I had asked him on the way home if he had fun and he said yes so it looks like that is going to be okay.

Lots of us got to go see 'Wicked'. I have wanted to see it for years but you know $$$$$$. Well we found out that two hours before the show they do a drawing and 10 people can buy a set of tickets for 50 dollars. So we went every day of the last week sometime we won sometimes not. Grace, Audrie, Steve and I all got to go. Not at the same time. Well Steve went with Grace it was a brother sister date AWE right! So that was a fun way to wrap up summer break.

I did sharing time in Primary this month. My lessons were on Keeping the Sabbath Day Holy, Family Prayer, Scripture Study and Family Home Evening. As a family you know that we try to do all these things but consistency is a struggle especially in the summer. No routine you know. As mundane as they can feel and I am sure you can relate to that, routine is an important part of becoming. I am thankful for the challenge that it is to keep to a routine and for the growth I see in my family and myself when we do. I love that the Gospel asks so much of us. The challenge is what keeps me going, striving and reaching and then looking on to what more I can do to improve. I am more like a wavy line lots of ups and downs but the wavy line is still in an upward incline and as long as it is I find peace in my imperfection because I know that God knows I am doing my best and he accepts that BEST and makes it perfect. I love this Gospel and YOU! -Trea

First Day of School!

Lunch Lady

For two years I have waited on God trusting his timing for joining the work force. In every prayer I ever prayed about the topic there has been a underlying desire to be a 'Stay at Home Mom' that is what is in my heart. It's the Mormon girl dream. That said there have been countless times that I have apologized to Todd because I didn't have a talent to share that would bring in a little extra money. I envied the music lessons my friends could give or the preschools they ran. I have longed to contribute financially. Timing is everything and my life long goal is to learn to live on and accept God's timing.

This job, this lunch lady job is so perfectly suited for me. I still feel very much like a stay at home Mom. I am home when my children are home. (I do miss my time with Lily in the morning but remind myself that I only had a few more months of that anyway and I just hug her and tell her that I miss our mornings the same way I did when each of my other children began full days of school.) My work doesn't drain me of the much needed patience set aside for my children to use up. Rather it has given me structure, motivation, some sisterhood and more family support.

 I have a morning routine that is solid and I love a routine.  I was never very consistant about a morning routine as a mother so many times my children have gotten themselves ready and come to kiss me good bye in bed before heading out the door to school. I wish I could say that this only happened because I had been up all night with a baby but many many times it was because I had stayed up late with Todd watching a movie. Then it was simply because I could. Todd's rotating shifts have always been challenging for me. Keeping to a routine Monday through Friday when his days off often fall mid week and the late shifts mixed with the early shifts. When Todd married me I was a morning person who loved a strong morning routine. I am rediscovering that morning person, I wasn't sure she existed anymore. The only sad part is that I nod off at ten and poor Todd is left to finish what ever program or movie we've selected without me. We say our couple prayer before we turn on any entertainment now and I guess it doesn't bother him to much if I don't stay awake.

 I am more motivated to get things done when I get home because I have only a couple of hours before the children come home but also because I am more emotionally filled.  I eat lunch with 9 other ladies every day who are kind and want to get to know me. We work and visit for all but the half hour that we serve lunch to the students. I come home to find Todd has pitched in to help with the house work the way he did when we had babies. I hope he keeps it up. I thank him a lot so it's likely to continue. I can say to my kids you've got to be more helpful I work now and they do and are more helpful. I don't feel overburdened I feel relieved.

I don't feel robbed of anything. There have been and will be sacrifices but they have all been small. In fact lots of thing have played out very differently than they originally seemed. We found some tax write offs. Our pumpkin patch and egg business are two of the things we overlooked. So we won't owe quiet as much as we thought. We have settled into a rough budget that allows for some home improvements, that has always been a hobby Todd and I have enjoyed together so it's wonderful to be moving forward on some projects. We won't have to sell our travel trailer and we will be able to contribute to Steve's mission fund. So our fall fundraiser will be turned over to Audrie this year to run and decide on a non profit organization to donate too. She will use it as a Young Women Project. Then next year we will give it to Sharp and hopefully it will be his eagle project. I love family service projects and hope that this becomes a special family tradition. I am learning to be patient with God. His plan for my life is a good one and sometimes it looks messy but the pieces always come together over time and make sense.

Back to Work After Almost 18 Years

Friday Todd did the taxes and delivered the worst ever news, we owe! We realigned our finances last year to make the budget work with his new job. We thought we had paid all that we would need too. We were wrong. We owe more than I can earn working part time in one year. It's a devastating amount for our family. A feeling of peace came over me and Todd as well. We have said, "I love you!" more than usual and been more capable of accepting this mess then ever before. Are we just getting used to getting the shaft in life or are we growing some kind of awesome faith. I like to think it's the latter and I have proof.

First of all how could I ever feel like I got the shaft, money is a large aspect of running a family and we are always squeezing dollars out of dimes but this family has not gone through a divorce we have had no medical crisis and we have this amazing house that we love and sometimes love to hate. We have more everyday happy than we could ever wish for. I am happy for other people to, the differences in our blessings and life styles doesn't challenge me or push me to draw unhealthy comparisons like it did when I was in my twenties. One of the many reasons that getting older is the best!

It's just got to be faith. Saturday I got to go and see a most beloved cousin sealed to her husband. They have a combined family his three her two and now one together. A sweet reminder that the greatest blessings in life come from being in families. I had been preparing a primary sharing time on Heavenly Father's plan of happiness with a focus on the fact that we are his spirit children. As I pondered this all week the joy of it really filled me. Sunday was fast Sunday and we fasted for help to find solutions to our current financial situation. I shared in church (testimony meeting) the joy of seeing this beautiful family sealed and a little about one of my best friends and her families sealing, the joy of the Plan of Salvation and how wonderful it is. The plans I make are never going how I think they will. God's plan is rock solid. Whether we believe in it or not it just is. I believe that sharing increases my faith and it did. I have this growing confidence in and for God that if I am doing my best and striving he will bless me. The blessings are not what I order up they are almost never what I think they will be but they come. We have learned to count on it.

Monday we got to work looking for answers. We applied for a loan to pay the taxes. The loan officer told me about a waiver we could try to get that she wasn't sure they even give anymore it would allow us to put the full amount of what we owe in the loan at a great interest rate and term. I put together my resume and applied for a few little jobs one 12 hr a week maintenance job that I was sure would be perfect. Todd applied for a few jobs as well. I raked over our budget and sighed at the thought of more cuts. We decided to sell our large SUV and camper/trailer and get a mini van, that will buy down some of our debt and we will spend less money on gas each month. I dished out bad news to the kids. Sharp will have to use his lawn care money to pay for football ($250.00) and Audrie who is already paying most of her way in life will not have a car to drive next year. The old beater truck Steve has been driving will have to be sold. Funny Audrie was really looking forward to driving that thing, I found that surprising. Last week I visited with a old college roommate who presented the idea that turning more financial responsibility over to your children is a gift and teaching tool. For us it hasn't been a choice we have had to do it. Having her present it that way made what in the past has been tearfully painful so much easier. On Monday night Audrie suggested that I apply for a lunch lady job. I did so on Tuesday morning believing that the hours would be impossible and the money not worth the work. I got a call later that day for a interview. The hours were perfect I would leave half hour after putting the kids on the bus and be home two and a half hours before they get home. We talked it over and figured I would take the job even if the money was lousy the hours were just to perfect. The interview was more of a orientation and the pay was 2.50 more per hour than I thought. Later in the day my friend who I had mentioned in my testimony and had been thinking about called with some last minute tickets to see a show at the play house where her daughter works and within thirty minutes we were on a double date with dear friends. In the middle of the rush to get out the door I got a call from the loan officer, we got the waiver and approved for the loan.

This morning I was thinking about working. I don't feel bad about it. We prayed about it last night and the night before. This is all right. Things are going to be all right. They are not what we had pictured or planned but it's all working out and it's going to be okay. Last night my friend shared a great story about fasting and answered prayers and I realized that our fasting and prayer has also brought on a little miracle for our family. Our problems didn't go away but solutions came together with record speed.

I told the primary children on Sunday about how we all shouted for joy in the premortal world  (Job38:4,7) when Heavenly Father told us about his plan and making this world for us. I am full of that joy being alive and mortal and challenged and growing it's a great and wonderful thing worth celebrating.

Trea Today

Todd and I Easter 2013

I turn 39 this year. I will have a son Graduate from High School. My baby will start 1st grade. Who I am is changing. I remember the days of babies and toddlers when Church was about the routine because you would never be able to hear anything in Sacrament meeting (Church) anyway. When a date was, the kids are all asleep and we hope they stay that way. My life was lit up by all kinds of firsts, first steps and first teeth, first team, first dive into the pool, first word, first day of school. The firsts aren't over and they will never end that is one of the sweet things about parenting. However, they are shifting. I always looked forward to the different phases of life. I celebrated my first gray hair. I still can't wait to meet my son after two long years as a missionary. To see a daughter glowing on her wedding day. But something is here that I didn't realize would be so present. Disappointment, so many could have, why didn't we do that differently, and if only moments.

We lived in Orem for 11 years I lived in a house that I thought would be our forever home. We moved in 2007 for a job that was lost in December of 2012. If we had never moved we would own our home mortgage free. We both struggle with this, "If Only". Two years ago we moved again mostly for location reasons. We found a home we both loved but realistically wouldn't work and was over priced anyway. It nagged at us for a while and we then prayerfully entered a very difficult negotiation to buy the house. This home is everything we never new we always wanted. One acre a huge front room great for family gatherings and a closeness for our children who all have to share rooms now. Things didn't go how we thought they would, having Todd lose his job meant cashing in all our savings to keep the house. There would be no funds for renovations or missions it was all gone all to save the house. If we had not moved this time, we would be in a home that needed very little maintenance we would still have our savings. Logic says if we were losing the job that would be the better place to be.

The last year or so we both carried this, "What If?". We will talk about how we know this is what was best for our kids emotionally and socially. You can get a real clear picture of what might have been when you just look at numbers but when you look at the experiences and growth of an entire family there is no real way to compare or get a clear picture of how we would all be different. So we focus on our faith and strive to live inspired lives. We forgive ourselves and each other for the times we made financial choices without being prayerful. We have learned our lesson, I hope. We both try very hard to focus on living inspired lives. To celebrate the amazing and beautiful children we are raising. Sometimes it is easier than others.

To work or not work is the issue on the table all the time. In the fall of 2012 we both knew Todd would be losing his job and we prayed about my going back to work. The answer was no. Todd accepted that answer and I fought it. I wanted to help. I wanted to be self reliant. I went on a run and for me this is a great time to ponder and receive direction and revelation. I came home and told Todd that we needed to grow a garden, a big garden. I knew I wasn't supposed to work and if I look at our families emotional needs and step away from the numbers I don't want to work. My life long dream was to be a stay at home mom. But I like a plan and this one was not adding up. I didn't work, Todd lost his job, we grew a huge garden and were able to raise money for Steve's mission with pumpkins. Things turned out okay we are okay. But the feelings of disappointment linger. Todd's job is fine, we can live in the house the way it is it's fine, we are making ends meet just fine. It's all just fine!

I ask myself if it's time for me to work and what kind of work. I would love to be a real estate agent but the timing isn't right. I could wait tables again but I wouldn't be home after school. I could be a school lunch lady but the money is bad. I am living in my own little refiners fire. Learning to live an inspired life is harder than I thought. Keeping my priorities strait is harder than I thought. My children need me in a totally different way then they used to it's just as intense as babies and toddlers its just different. I am adjusting. I have challenged myself to a Quantum Leap. The only way I will be successful is if I can have an attitude adjustment. I have to focus on what I really want and celebrate all the joy that I have in my life right now!

I am writing my personal history. It is good for me. I think it is helping. I am not bitterly disappointed with my childhood or the struggles or challenges my family had. I hope my children won't be either. Looking back some how is helping me look and move forward in a happy way. I had a conversation with someone who is bitterly disappointed with their life. She feels like a victim and is ashamed. I don't want to feel that way about my life. When Todd told me he didn't want a promotion at work I was so mad at him. He just wants to be an assistant manager right now well that is just great! Numbers began to haunt me again. Things won't add up, now I need to get a job for sure. I talked to a close friend and she asked me some good questions. I love Todd, I wouldn't change his personality for anything. She helped me see that if I changed the things about his personality that led him to his decision he wouldn't be him and we wouldn't be us. I like him he is a good kind and hardworking husband and father. I want to remember even this time with fondness. We have so much that is good and happy and beautiful to celebrate.

Quantum Leap

It's okay to make plans. I am making plans again but I am not placing so much on them. They are more like fun ideas of what might be with no time line to accomplish. It's an exercise in hope for the realist in me.
House Plans, Vacation Plans, Occupation Plans. Lots of pinterest.

Showing gratitude for my physical body by giving it better food and exercise.The information is all there I know what to do I just have had a lack of motivation and will power.

Recovering some lost routines improving others. Family Home Evening, house keeping, scheduling, parenting skills, journal keeping (or blogging).

Learning something new and sharing it with my kids. Sign language.

Improving personal prayer and scripture study!!!

Really accepting that I have spent to much time mucking about finding lots of good things to distract me from doing the best ones. I don't know why some women can work and still be great mothers and I can't. Half of me is really mad that working isn't right for me right now. The other half of me is so thankful that I am not. I hate it because there are things I want and places that I want to take my kids. I may never have them. They are good things. But they are not the best and when it comes to best we have those available to us. Most importantly the ability to live by inspiration and set that example for our kids so we prayed and the answer is no I should not work right now. The best thing I can give my children is to accept that answer and live up to the required sacrifice happily. Make the moments matter. Be the best me I can be.

So this year I am making a Quantum Leap. There is no check list there are some Goals and plans but mostly it's all about striving. Our family has a motto, "Practice, Remember, Do Your Best!" If I want my kids to live this I have got to. I began with the desire that I know I can do better than this. I want to see a better me by the end of the year. So I am forgiving myself and taking a leap.