Devon's Halloween Baptism

 I know that the family is ordained of God. We have to fight for each other. When Steve left on his mission he had no idea how far reaching his choice would be. Hearts have been softened and his influence has been felt directly by my sweet daughter Jessica's family. I would say this is one of the most important Baptism's of Steve's mission and it happened right here at home, he wasn't in physical attendance but I know his whole heart was there. At first Devon wanted Grandpa Todd to both Baptize and Confirm him. But it the truest missionary spirit Todd encouraged him to chose one of the missionaries who had taught him since they don't get to preform many baptisms very often.

 This is the Talk I gave at the baptism:

Devon made the choice today to be baptized. That is a big deal. Lets talk about why this is such a big deal. First of all it’s a choice. Devon’s parents and all his family would love him just the same baptized or not. So it’s a big deal that he is doing this because it’s right for him and not to please anyone but God and himself.

As you grow up Devon you will find that there are those who say they follow Jesus Christ and there are those who show they follow Jesus Christ. Some of those who say it don’t take it into their hearts and live what they say they believe. Today you are not only saying that you want to follow Christ you are showing it. It is really important to do both. You are a very special boy. The power to choose is a big deal and you have parents that support you in making good choices. You made this choice, you choose today to do your very best to spend your life trying to be like Jesus Christ. I promise you that this choice will bring you so much happiness and joy not just today but as you grow and try to be more like Jesus you will feel a special kind of happy strength grow inside of you. Your spirit will become a strong warrior able to resist wrong and shining out to others as an example of the happiness that comes if you live a life seeking to be like Christ. This is what it means to, ‘Take his name upon you.’

Today you will go under the water and come up out of the water. This is to show your faith that you understand that Jesus Christ and all of us will rise from the grave not as zombies, not as mummies but as perfect resurrected human beings. Death is not the end.

Mormon 7:5 Know ye that ye must come to the knowledge of your fathers, and repent of all your sins and iniquities, and believe in Jesus Christ, that he is the Son of God, and that he was slain by the Jews, and by the power of the Father he hath risen again, whereby he hath gained the victory over the grave; and also in him is the sting of death swallowed up.  

This is possible because of Jesus Christ’s Atonement. Atonement means ‘one with Christ’. I have found that the best way to become one with Christ is to be Accountable. To be accountable means that when you do anything that is wrong you will stand before those that you have wronged and admit what you have done. It’s not a fun thing to do it feels pretty uncomfortable. Jesus stood accountable for all of us. He understood us, all our pain, from our bad choices and from the bad choices of others. He stood before God and said I will take the punishment for all the wrong doings that Devon Radebe will chose in his life. I will also feel all the pain and sadness that he will feel. He did this for us all. Isn’t it beautiful to think that he understands all our hurt and all our pain. God is the only one who really knows what it is like to feel the way you feel about anything and everything. It is the greatest Miracle of all Miracles that he could take our punishment and make a way for us to be forgiven.

Each Sunday when you take the Sacrament you are standing Accountable before God. It’s important for you to understand that Accountability is an important part of repentance. It’s the part that shows everyone what is really most important to us and who matters most to us. For example: If you have done something wrong you need to do all you can to make it right. In the government this is called restitution. If you hurt Kiana you need to do more than say sorry right. First of all you need to be accountable, tell your Mom or Dad that you know you hurt her and that it was wrong. Then you have got to do something to show or make it as right as you can. If you ruined her lego creation you could make it right by giving her some of your favorite pieces to build with. Or helping her to rebuild what you destroyed.

When we chose to be Baptized it’s because we know that we can’t be perfect so we do it to show what really matters to us is accepting Jesus Christ’s gift of  saving us. Baptism shows everyone what is really most important to us and who matters most to us. Today you stand before God and you are Accountable you admit that you can not make it alone and you admit that you know you are going to make some mistakes. You also promise to make it right. The restitution you offer is to always remember him, to take his name upon you, you are a Christian, and to keep his Commandments. You will do this today and each Sunday when you take the sacrament. I challenge you to say a prayer either Saturday night or Sunday morning. This will be a special weekly prayer a prayer that you say to prepare to take the sacrament. Pray for help, forgiveness and tell God what is in your heart. Make him your best friend and team mate, tell him what you want, what you need and prepare yourself to feel again the newness and the joy that you feel today as you are baptized. You can feel joy that comes from the clensing power of Baptism each week as you take the sacrament. But it requires effort. You can’t just say it you must show it. Be totally honest with God in your prayers. He will help you to face all of the battles of life. He will help you to find the strength to stand Accountable as a Represtentative of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ. 

 

He lives Devon. I know this, not because I have seen him or any angels for that matter. I hope for it and I have acted on that hope and it has grown into a strong faith. That faith that I have in my Savior and yours is very strong. I have had some very special experiences in prayer, in the temple, in life and each one has helped my faith to grow. I know that as you work to live like Jesus and try with all your heart to keep the commandments and be accountable when you don’t that your hope and faith can grow strong to. I have felt bad and had some really sad times to and I have felt my faith grow then as well. Jesus Christ will not leave us alone if we seek him out we will find him in good times and bad ones. He wants us to join with him and feel the joy and peace that come from being on the Lord’s side. You have chosen today to join the right team, the winning team. Today you make a very wise choice. I love you!

 Three future missionaries Baptized in the last year and a half. My son, my nephew and my grandson. Love these three sweet boys!!!

The Power of Missionary Work

Talk Given in Home Ward July 2015

We are missing a big brother at our house. But he isn’t really missing at all in some ways he is closer to us then ever.

Our missionary is doing well he has been out for 9 months. The language is not as challenging. He has enjoyed his companions so far and is now a senior companion. He has received his Dear John letter and handled that surprisingly well. It seems to us that Heavenly Father has been clear in letting us and him know that he is just where he should be doing just what he should be doing.

One of the fun reminders he has is an Elder who is serving in his mission. The Sosa Sisters were some of his Dad’s favorite people on his mission to Argentina. They accepted the Gospel and have remained in touch with our family. One of those sisters’ has a son that is the same age as Steve and is serving with him in the same mission. They are yet to be companions but have recently enjoyed beat boxing together. Their acquaintance is a wonderful reminder to both missionaries of the blessings that come from full time missionary service.

Brothers and Sisters the Gospel of Jesus Christ is true and this is his church. I’m thankful today for the blessing of sharing with you some of the recent reminders and ways that my knowledge of this has been strengthened through the missionary service of my son in Chile.

In one of his first letters he wrote this:

And now on to the countless less actives I teach. By the way it doesn’t displease me that I’m teaching a lot of less actives here. The church in Chile isn’t like the church in Utah. It also isn’t like the rest of South American where a missionary can get 50+ baptisms in his whole mission. The Church is kind of weak for a lot of reasons. To demonstrate the ward I’m currently in, Lautaro, has 1,700 members. Our attendance is about 80ish. That’s also the worst percentage of attendance in the zone. So obviously there is a problem. And to fix it we have to reactivate the less actives we have, we have been progressing a lot too!

Jorge came to Church and brought a friend they stayed for all three hours. He hasn’t done that in 2-3 years. What makes it even better is the youth just got back from EFY (Especially For Youth Church Camp) so we got two young men in a room full of spiritually Juiced youth!

 

In this letter he talks about two other less active men he had been working with both return missionaries. One of them had a convert from his mission contact him and that was helping his receptiveness to the missionaries as well. I believe that as Elder Loertscher and his companion prayed for this man the power of their prayer reached the heart of that convert and motivated them to contact the missionary that had taught them the Gospel of Jesus Christ.

Pres. Monson said, “As we love our God as we love our neighbor, we can be the recipients of our Heavenly Father’s love. Of all the blessings I have had in my life, one of the sweetest is that feeling the Lord provides when I know that he has answered the prayer of another person through me. As we love the Lord, as we love our neighbor, we discover that our Heavenly Father will answer the prayers of others through our ministry.

Recently our family has had some trauma. I am very close to my little sister we exercise together almost every day. Four months ago she got married and she and her husband just purchased a home up the road from us. He passed away suddenly. It came as a shock to us all. The night before the funeral one of Stephen’s best friends from high school (Felicia) came to our door. She said that she had just got a written letter from Steve in the mail and that she felt strongly that she should come over and share the letter with me. It was a letter full of scriptures. He said, I love this scripture and this is why and I love this scripture and this is why. I asked her if she knew what was going on with our family and told her about our loss. The first scripture that he shared in a letter that was a month old and not even written to me was from 3 Nephi and it said “Ask of the Father, in my name, that ye may understand” He wrote about how we don’t get to understand everything and that God has a plan and we need to trust the plan.

We don’t see the big picture we look up close at our lives like one single confusing piece of a puzzle that only makes sense to us. God has so much more material to reference and so many more pieces to use. This friend felt silly knocking on my door and saying, “here is a letter your son wrote me want to read it?” But she felt the spirit’s prompting and followed it and it was a comfort to me. Somewhere in the world a member felt inspired to reach out to the missionary that had taught them. They may never know that they were answering a prayer that two full time missionaries were praying for a member who needed reminding.

There are two big things that we can do to help the work of God progress. 1^st pray specifically for people by name and second work to develop sensitivity to the promptings of the spirit and follow them.

When it comes to the people in our lives who no longer gather with us in church or in our temples our concern is very intense at first and then we fall into a place of acceptance and the fervency of our concern fades. I think most would say that that is only natural and human. Natural and human, similarly, the natural Man and that natural man is an enemy to God.  As Latter Day Saints we seek to be followers of Christ, under shepherds who are seeking to bring sheep back to the fold. Prayer is the greatest tool we have. When used properly it leads to inspiration and direction. Missionaries learn this very intensely but we can too.

When Steve was 5 he gained two older siblings through the foster care program. We knew that these kids needed permanency because their mother had passed away. Steve has always been a very loving people person his capacity to love is very great. He really loved both of these kids. Jessica and Cameron are their names. As Adults both completely left the church. Jessica married a return missionary and convert from South Africa Xolani. He also has had no interest in Joining with us to worship. This is a heart ace we have grown used to. We would pray for them but not with the intensity we should, that natural man had lulled us into a comfortable acceptance of their choice. When Steve left on his mission it was a big deal for Jessica’s family especially for my oldest Grand son Devon who is 9. Devon was very proud of Steve and told his parents he wanted to serve a mission. Xolani put together a slide show of Steve growing up for me, and Jessica and her family came to church to hear Steve speak she hadn’t been to church in years. Steve told me in an e mail that Xolani would sometimes send a little thank you message back from his weekly Newsletters. Steve writes a group e mail each week and he always shares his testimony about something. Those e mails are a beautiful collection of his testimony on various subjects. Getting a little thank you ‘spark’ back from Xolani was a big deal. Xolani isn’t antagonistic and he has always been respectful and joined us for Family lessons about Easter and Christmas but has been pretty clear that going back to church was not going to happen.

Because Devon became such a fan of missionary Steve of course he began to express his desire to attend church. Jessica called me up one day and told me that she was going to take Devon. But miraculously the rest of the family ended up attending as well including Xolani this shocked Jessica and at first it shocked me to. What a pleasant surprise. When I wrote and told Steve he was ecstatic he said he had been praying intensely for them. Well he wasn’t the only one. We had a visit from the Elders a couple of months before this they issued our family a challenge to make a list of names of people who no longer attended Church, or were not members and the like. Then we were to pray for the people on the list. The promise was that we would see some kind of movement in someone toward living the Gospel. Of course Jessica and Xolani were on our list. Our family decided after taking this challenge that we would continue to keep a list.

Because of prayers offered by a missionary in Chile for a family in Utah and because of Elders serving in Utah who visited a family and asked them to take a challenge, the spirit was empowered. Prayers were heard and answered and it has been months now, Jessica’s family is attending church weekly. My testimony of full time missionary work has been strengthened, my testimony of prayer has been strengthened, and hearts that were once soft to the Spirit of Christ are returning.

In another of Steve’s letters he wrote about a 13 year old boy they were working with and I Quote:

“This week a 13 year old less active we have been working with for a while was ordained to the Aaronic priesthood. We were super proud of him. But sadly (and I hope the kids are reading this part) he was crying after they announced his ordination because his parents are still inactive and don’t want to support him and his aunt and cousins weren’t there either. Only his uncle who we have been teaching him with (who is also the Elders Quorum president) and one of his cousins. He felt sad because he felt alone. Audrie, Sharp, Grace, Cael and Lily, you are all so blessed to have a mom and dad that support you in the gospel and want the best for you. Please don’t take them for granted and listen to them and heed there advice.”

The connection that we feel to our families is deep and can not be broken by time or distance. Families are ordained of God our callings as Parents, wives, husbands, sisters, brothers, are the greatest callings we will ever hold. The power to save is in the family unit.

In March Steve ended one of my favorite newsletters with this:

“The spirit has been really strong in my life and I honestly love how much I can see the Lord helping and blessing me. You guys the Church is true. I would not deny it for any reason and I would just like to bear my testimony to you all that through the atonement we can all be made clean and be forgiven of our sins. God loves us and wants us to return to him and he will put people and things in our lives to help us find this path. All we have to do is open our eyes and look. I love you all. And I know that God loves you too. Continue in Faith. –Elder Loertscher

How The Harvest Party Came To Be

In January 2012 we sold what we had thought was our dream home and bought a unique house. It was and is a fixer upper. But it had a few things we had always wanted, most importantly land. Our acre was zoned agricultural, we got chickens in the spring and talked a lot about growing a big garden and doing a little fruit and veggie stand for the kids.

Things had been rocky with the restaurant Todd was running. Olive Garden in Sugar House Utah was once a fabulous strong business, bonuses were good and Todd was training all the newly hired managers that would be working in Utah. At one time he was in serious running for the General Manager of the Year award. With a few new Olive Garden's opening on the west side of town his location was suffering. Corporations see what they want to see. Two weeks before Christmas of that year he lost his job. We were devastated the plan was always to retire from this fabulous company. Losing employment took it's toll on our family in so many good ways. First of all it was and still is a trial of our Faith. Todd quickly got work as a manager at Chili's but his salary was significantly lower. Lots of things have happened since, that have lead him to believe that he should open his own restaurant, but that is a story for another day. We had to turn over a lot of the expenses we had always covered to our teenagers. Our children have learned to value a dollar in ways that they never other wise would have, that has been a huge blessing to them.
As is often the case we knew months ahead that Todd would likely lose his job. Unattainable goals were placed on him and it was just a matter of time. I wanted to work. If I got employment I could start saving for the anticipated job loss. We prayed about it and the answer was no.  In General Conference the announcement was made that young men could go on missions at age 18. I knew instantly that Stephen would want to go, he was a Junior in High School, so that gave him a year and a half to be ready. I was once again praying about getting a job. I got up early to go for a run. This is often a time of pondering and revelation for me. I came home from running and told Todd that again the answer to my prayer was no, he had already told me it would be. The feeling I did get was, "Grow a garden!" I didn't see at that point how it was the answer to my dilemma and we laughed about it.  The inspiration was pressing enough that we discussed where the best place to put this garden would be. The space had five large pine trees growing in it that would need to be removed.

The space on the south side of our drive way.

We were living very frugally because of the anticipated unemployment. We couldn't justify paying someone to come fall the trees. I had noticed while running that lots of neighbors had piles of clippings from their yards piled up, I realized that the neighborhood clean up dumpsters were likely coming soon. So I called the city to find out when they would be coming. The answer was that day. The dumpsters would be dropped of and picked up the next morning. We had one day to fall 5 huge trees and haul them to the dumpsters. Todd miraculously had the day off. My parents were visiting with their RV so I ran out to see if my Dad was available to help.He was on the phone with my little brother Darin who had experience falling trees and enjoys doing so. He is a school teacher and just happened to have the day off. So within the hour three men with three chain saws were working away in my yard. In no time three became four when our neighbor Brother Angell came and joined them.

Church members who drove by or were working on their yards saw what was up and by the end of the day we had an army of loving friends and family helping us haul away the trees. Bro. Angell mentioned that another neighbor and church member living around the corner(Bro.Bruce Fuller) owned a back hoe for his business and would likely come and get the stumps out for us.

There was never a need for us to ask because he came by and told Todd to call blue stakes because he was going to come and get those stumps pulled up for us in a couple of days. By the end of the day we had a huge pile of fire wood and the trees were gone. For days I cried tears of gratitude for my loving neighbors and friends. Tears of gratitude still fall now when I think about it. We had only lived here for nine months.  People didn't know us very well and very few knew what our work situation was. Some may call that day lucky but I think it was inspired.

Orem 2003

 I have been repeatedly challenged to trust God's timing in my life. I wish I could say I was getting good at it. I obey but I complain about it. I didn't get a job. We prepared to create a garden in the spring. We weren't really sure what the garden was going to be. In July the zoning had changed and we would not be able to have a fruit stand. I thought often about joining a farmers market. but that would mean missing most of Sharp's football games and the idea of missing them broke my heart. Early in our marriage when growing our first garden we had planted 7 pumpkin plants to cover a slope that we didn't want to weed. The result was a large number of pumpkins which we had let our little children sell at a lemonade type stand close to our home. It was a huge success and they all enjoyed having the money for Christmas shopping.

 Orem 2003

The memory of that came to my recollection and we began to discuss pumpkins. We could grow pumpkins. I thought I could fill the truck and sell them on the side of the road after football games on Saturdays. I thought that would work but then the fun of choosing the pumpkin from the patch would be eliminated. I had learned from starting my little egg business that I couldn't place a sign in my window or yard to sell eggs because of the zoning change. So I couldn't place a sign for the pumpkins either. This is when the idea of the Harvest Party was born. We would sell the pumpkins at a private party. We would invite friends and allow friends to invite their friends to the party. Then we started talking about how many of our friends already grow pumpkins in their own gardens, they wouldn't want to buy our pumpkins but would likely want to come support us. So we decide to make scones, navajo tacos and have some carnival type games, we would hold the party to raise the money for Steve's mission. I felt pressed to work primarily because I wanted to help Steve go on his mission at 18 when he wanted to. I didn't want him to have to work for a year before leaving just to be able to go. And because he earned a scholarship he wouldn't be able to defer for that long anyway. We are a family of self reliance we want to do all that we can do. I had beat my head against a wall because for me doing all that I could do meant getting a job, but every time I prayed about it the answer was no. I couldn't understand why Heavenly Father wouldn't want me to be self reliant. But in the end he created a way for us to earn the needed money as a family and instill in our children so many wonderful values about work and loyalty. Heavenly Father really has better plans for us than we could ever make for our selves and he will always answer our righteous desires. I did end up getting a job in the spring of 2014, for reasons I wouldn't have foreseen, but that to is another story.
 Right before our first Harvest Party last year a sister from my ward came to me and offered to pay a quarter of the cost of Steve's mission. I explained to her that we wanted to earn the money to pay for him to serve. She lovingly taught me a lesson in humility and shared the story of how her mission was funded. We also talked about my situation wanting to be a stay at home mom but feeling like I needed to work. She was someone who was always a working mother. We had a fabulous conversation about that topic. I accepted her offer and Steve was delighted. If we held a Harvest Party every year and made the same amount that we made at our 2013 party along with what Steve saved and with this sweet sister's contribution we would be able to cover the cost of his mission. He would be able to go at 18. Steve had his mission papers sent and received his call before he graduated in June. He will be serving in the Chile Rancagua mission. He reports to the Chile mission training center on October 22nd. He has a strong testimony of Jesus Christ and will be an excellent missionary. This coming Friday we will hold our second Harvest Party and we feel thankful as a family to be able to support him in his desire to serve.

A church member gave us 6 dump truck loads of manure.

We planted seeds for family night.

Our patch at the end of August.

The end of September we were ready to harvest.

2013 We had a great party!

We got more than pumpkins from our garden.

Shame is The Enemy

I stopped blogging. In April I got heartbreaking news and I just couldn't write. No one called me to say someone died. I didn't have a police officer on my door step telling me someone was in a terrible car accident and I didn't sit in a Doctors office and find out someone in the family was ill. My shattering news was not the kind we share. I am and always have been a very open person. I don't keep secrets, I am very comfortable with who I am and willing to share just about anything about my life for the most part that has always been okay. This day this awful day in April I was not okay and I felt a overwhelming amount of shame. My single most important job, my dream job, my duty and responsibility as a Mother....I had failed utterly. One of my children had been hurt in a way that no child ever should be. I had failed to protect my child, to keep them safe. My single most sacred duty as a Mother and I failed. Now what? A child doesn't understand these things they don't understand how they will be affected in the future. What could I possibly do. To make matters worse my enemy the person I should hate is someone I also love. My foster son was the perpetrator. I lost my son.

I have no doubt that God loves me! He is a tangible being, he exists! I know it! I had so many hard conversations the day I found out. My Jessica (foster daughter 28 married with three kids.) called me and told me she was worried about Cameron (her biological brother and my foster son also married but separated and caring for his step son.) She had been tending his step son and there was some concerning behavior that led her to believe that Cameron may be molesting his step son. A gray feeling washed over me I knew her concerns were valid and I gasped as I realized that my own children and hers could have been preyed upon. Later in the day I asked one of my children if they were afraid of Cameron. The answer was affirmative and... devastating! How did I stay calm. How did I call Cameron and tell him that I loved him and that I wanted to help him and that I wanted him to get help. He denied it all. I told him that I had to believe my child. He said of course you do. It was a peaceful loving conversation. How did I do that, how did I have that conversation. Then there was Todd (my husband). I had to tell Todd. He held me in his arms while I cried really cried for the first time. I had cried a little when speaking to the law officer earlier. It was important to act fast as Cameron was living out of his car and could easily disappear with his step son. He was found that night and the child was taken into protective custody. Later I would listen to Jessica sob and apologize for bringing her brother into our lives. I would sit that evening with Todd and our child. We would talk about it, what had happened, what was going to happen and I would be strong. How did I do it. How did I survive that awful day. There is only one explanation, God my Heavenly Father helped me get through that day. My Savior died for not only my sins but my pain and I felt the gift of his love, mercy and grace.

Audrie and Tyler

One week prior to all of this I had sat in Church listening to a beautiful song, 'I know that My Redeemer Lives'. I felt strongly that it was the song that should be sung at Cael's upcoming baptism. I also felt impressed to ask Audrie (Sophomore in High school) if she would sing the song with her sweet heart at the time, Tyler. She didn't want to ask him to sing with her and I told her I know it's uncomfortable but I just know it is what is supposed to happen. The two of them practiced the song together in our front room the following week. I listened to them practice after that awful day and then I knew exactly why they needed to sing that song. If I had asked anyone else to sing they wouldn't have practiced at our house with our out-of-tune piano. Tyler played the guitar and the two of them practiced after school and my home was filled with that comforting music a prayer of gratitude that our family so needed.

My Mother once pointed out to me that it is Satan that taught man shame. We were in the celestial room of the temple when she told me that. Shame is the enemy. It was shame that I was and am still battling today. How could I not have known. How could I have failed so miserably. I was so ashamed. I would find myself in a place called 'The Children's Justice Center' sitting in a room while my child was interviewed and recorded by a detective. I would sit with a councilor and talk about my feelings and how I was handling the situation. Then visiting with the detective who told me it was an incredibly smooth interview. This came as no surprise my child is strong, honest, brave and a person who understands that they are a child of God and that with that understanding doing the right thing is a must and blessings come when we do. This was their opportunity to take something bad that happened to them and do something good with it. Help protect another child.

I have been privately in mourning since that day. On a couple of occasions I have found myself in tears. Something someone says or does awakens the ache in my heart. I have had a few special conversations with sweet friends. One particular friend who can relate to how I feel and those conversations help me to heal. I go forward knowing that I have a lost boy, now man out in the world who is truly lost and I pray that help will come for him and that he will remember the last words I will likely ever say to him, "I love you". One of the most miraculous things about this whole thing is that I do love Cameron. I hurt for him. I hope for him. I can't believe that I don't hate him, but I don't. He won't be a part of our lives again. I write this in my blog first because it is part of my story but more importantly because there are people who know Cameron because they knew me and they should know that he is not safe and shouldn't be trusted.

Jessica and her beautiful family.

 As for my kids. Jessica is still struggling and healing. She said to me in one of our conversations how wonderful it was that I believed my child because no one, not even her biological mother believed her as a child. She really is such a wonderful mother and I see her healing from her childhood wounds and am so thankful to be a part of her support system. So much joy has come into my life because I am a foster parent. I refuse to regret bringing her and her brother into my home. So much learning, love and joy have come from it. I have my first three grandchildren and they are beautiful!

I will have concern for my child as they grow into adulthood, will this be a haunting memory that is revisited, very likely the answer is yes. I hope with all my heart that they marry a loving companion who can help them work through any pain that is carried. I have faith that they will.

I continue to work on forgiving myself. The tapestry of my life has so many layers and so many people woven into it. There is a weak spot in the cloth right now and I am working hard to mend it. People sometimes only see one of the colors of my tapestry or a section. Unknowingly there have been kind people who have said the absolutely wrong things to me at the wrong time and have fed the beast of shame. If you are reading this and think you may be one of them please know it is okay. This is my refiner's fire. I am learning and growing and it hurts terribly but I know it is for the best.  My Dad taught me very young not to pass judgement to quickly because you just don't see and can't see someone's whole story. This post this whole blog is just a little glimpse of my story from my perspective and I share it with hope and faith in my heart that those who read it do so lovingly.

Back To School

Elder Johnson,

 It's wonderful to hear you have not lost your zeal! I love how energized you are. Life here is pretty much the same. I am still folding laundry on my bed while Audrie lays on the other side yacking away about boys. School has started it was strange to get all the kids but one off to school and then to be heading out the door for work with one still in bed calling out to me to have a nice day at work. A strange role reversal there for me.

 Steve is Steve, he still loves to argue with me, since the pool is now closed I have put him in charge of the chickens eggs, feed, cleaning the coop, all of it. He also walks and brushes Lady. I know how you must miss our dog ;) We have had more rain and thunder storms than normal for August so our sweet Lady is always freaking out. You'd love it!!!

 I don't know if Steve told you that he totaled my little black Honda. Yep no more driving for Steve. He actually got in two accidents that day one of his traditional parking lot bang ups and then one on Redwood Rd. he didn't get a ticket, whatever that is supposed to prove.

I am enjoying working in the lunch room at Taylorsville. I especially enjoy the kids that come in and freak out because I am there. I know you would have been one of those if I had been there last year. There are a few who clearly don't want me to acknowledge knowing them so I just smile. With the exception of Tyler Breinholt who I enjoyed making a fuss over because I could tell he wanted to pretend he didn't know me. So that was fun!!!

Audrie is more boy crazy then ever. She is being a bit of a smoochy face.

Football has started and both Cael and Sharp are playing. I thought Cael would be a whiner about it but so far he is liking it. He lost his first game and as he came in the house he passed Lily and asked, "Who do you think won my game?" She said she didn't know and with a relaxed heave of his shoulders he said, "Not me!" and walked on by like it was no big thing. I had asked him on the way home if he had fun and he said yes so it looks like that is going to be okay.

Lots of us got to go see 'Wicked'. I have wanted to see it for years but you know $$$$$$. Well we found out that two hours before the show they do a drawing and 10 people can buy a set of tickets for 50 dollars. So we went every day of the last week sometime we won sometimes not. Grace, Audrie, Steve and I all got to go. Not at the same time. Well Steve went with Grace it was a brother sister date AWE right! So that was a fun way to wrap up summer break.

I did sharing time in Primary this month. My lessons were on Keeping the Sabbath Day Holy, Family Prayer, Scripture Study and Family Home Evening. As a family you know that we try to do all these things but consistency is a struggle especially in the summer. No routine you know. As mundane as they can feel and I am sure you can relate to that, routine is an important part of becoming. I am thankful for the challenge that it is to keep to a routine and for the growth I see in my family and myself when we do. I love that the Gospel asks so much of us. The challenge is what keeps me going, striving and reaching and then looking on to what more I can do to improve. I am more like a wavy line lots of ups and downs but the wavy line is still in an upward incline and as long as it is I find peace in my imperfection because I know that God knows I am doing my best and he accepts that BEST and makes it perfect. I love this Gospel and YOU! -Trea

First Day of School!

Boys! Boys! Boys!

Shaun Haney was the boy across the street and our story could have been told on a show like the 'Wonder Years'. He was the first boy I ever held hands with. We liked each other in 5th grade and everyone knew because we were square dancing partners. Their was a segment in Gym class for square dancing and you had to choose a partner for the entire segment. Shaun was mine in 5th grade but not 6th I made the huge mistake of accepting another boy as partner in 6th grade which I am sure hurt Shaun's feelings. My teacher even told me I had done better with my partner(Shaun) the previous year. I guess by spring Shaun had forgiven me and we were back in 'like' again because we held hands during a movie at outdoor education. (Outdoor education was a special school camping trip.) I hated that we had become the talk of the 6th grade. The news about our hand holding spread like crazy. Shaun was more of a friend than a boyfriend. He was a genuinely kind person. That said there was the time my sister tied me to the light post on the corner of our street. She left me there for a long time. Shaun road his bike past and didn't save me so there is that. But over all nice boy.

In seventh grade a boy passed me a note in math class asking me if I would be his girl friend. I did have a crush on him and so said yes. He met me at my locker at the end of the day and kissed me. This was not what I thought it would be. He stuck his tounge in my mouth and I didn't like it. I decided I would let it go but he did it again the next day. So the day after that I wrote him a note and told him I didn't want to, "Go Out" with him anymore.

Troy, Andrew and Kendra

I would say my first real boyfriend was Andrew Henry. In 8th grade I was kind of having a do over. My best friend from 7th grade had moved away. A girl who lived accross the street from me took her place, Kendra. She had invited me to go to a movie with some of her friends. She was in 7th grade and being the cool 8th grader that I was and trying to come out of my shy shell, I made fun of all of them the whole night. I had ruined everything. I was rude and all those fun kids were going to have nothing to do with me.

A day or two later I found out that Andrew one of the boys who had been there had a little crush on me. This astonished his friends including Kendra who openly told me I had been pretty rude teasing to much. It just so happened that Kendra's boyfriend was Andrew's best friend Troy. They both lived very close to each other as well. The two of them lived on the other side of the park. So Andrew and I got thrown together a lot because our best friends were a couple.

Kendra and Troy

It didn't take long before we became couples. The shocker came when I realized that I had stolen my friends boyfriend. I was the captain of the cheerleaders and Angie who I was getting to know pretty well was my co-captain.

Angie

She was fun and we got along well. She had told me about her boyfriend and I didn't realize that her boyfriend and my crush were one in the same.We did the dramatic back and forth I would break up with him and he would go back to Angie and then they would break up and we would get back together. It was dramatic hurtful and really really not age appropriate. When Andrew was with Angie I would 'Go Out' with one of his friends. There was a pretty tight group of 7th grade friends, because of Facebook I know that they are still tight. I kissed lots of them. I guess you could say I had my wild days in Junior High rather than High School. (Wild in LDS terms that is.) In the end Andrew, Kendra, Troy and I spent the summer before my 9th grade year together. Andrew and I agreed that when school started we would both move on. The four of us had a fun and memorable summer.

Troy and I

Kendra and Troy ended up Married and are still happily married today. I think I can admit that Andrew was my first love, young as I was I think I really did love him. I still care about him and wish him happiness and well.

Troy, Sergio, Me, Steve above. Some of those fun 7th graders.

Dan was from a whole different friend group. We had a off and on again relationship. Once we even had a secret romance. We got caught kissing by one of our friends and so that came to an end. He was the funny life of the party guy and we became fast and easy friends. We played spoons and truth or dare, did a lot of sneaking out together with other friends late at night and did lots of silly stuff like steeling for sale signs out of peoples yards. We coped through the death of a friend together. Wesly Bennidct (Wes) had been a fun loving all around great guy he died in a car accident the summer before 9th grade. One night a bunch of us were out late walking the neighborhood and we decided that we wanted to make a memorial for Wes. He was a football player and so we decide to go put his name on the field. We ripped up the grass to spell his name. Really a silly thing to do but an overall harmless way to lean on each other and work through our pain. Dan would have been my boyfriend in 9th grade had it not been for my desire to be obedient to the guidelines of my church. I was taught that dating before the age of 16 was not appropriate. I embraced my religion that year. I had developed a strong personal relationship with God through personal prayer. Timing was terrible. Another girl had been liking Dan and the gossip was all about who he would end up with me or her. He basicly chose me only to find out that I would no longer be 'Going Out' with any one. He was hurt and long story short my 9th grade year at North East Junior High was a lonely one. I made friends with a couple of Mormon girls that lived south of Denver and I spent most weekends with them. School was just lonely and hard. I was an outcast by choice trying to figure out how to hold to my standards and stay friends with everyone. I guess that is something to be thankful for since that is also the year that everyone started finding ways to get alcohol to the parities. Today Dan is a distant facebook friend. He is openly Gay and looks to be in a loving long term relationship.

Uriah and I 1992

My focus became youth group and church dances.My friendships with Uriah Otting and Chris Aniscough became solid, fun guys from my church ward. I would meet boys from other cities at church dances and we would talk for hours on the phone. Everything got more wholesome in my social world. There would be no more sneaking out. I wouldn't be kissed again until I was 16 and old enough to date. I would make more friends through early morning seminary. (A daily Scripture Study class held before school at the church house) The transition was sweet, I avoided a lot of heart ache and got back some of my youth. Uriah would have a paint war with me while getting our special olympic booth ready. His Mom spent a great deal of loving time helping me get paint out of my hair. Chris made me a pair of boxer shorts. (Popular PJ attire we all wore over long underwear to seminary.) We would all gather and head to the drive in riding in the back of Chris' truck. We made lots of good memories and really grew to become dear friends. In high school we would all eat lunch together at the 'Mormon Table'. There were more boys than girls my age at church and so my friends were primarily boys. I would have crushes from time to time on both Chris and Uriah but nothing was ever acted on. Uriah and I stayed friends after I moved to Utah and still send Christmas cards to day he was and is a dear and true friend. I sometimes see satire of the religious kids in movies and TV shows and think yep I guess that was us without the ugly twists of course.

Lunch Lady

For two years I have waited on God trusting his timing for joining the work force. In every prayer I ever prayed about the topic there has been a underlying desire to be a 'Stay at Home Mom' that is what is in my heart. It's the Mormon girl dream. That said there have been countless times that I have apologized to Todd because I didn't have a talent to share that would bring in a little extra money. I envied the music lessons my friends could give or the preschools they ran. I have longed to contribute financially. Timing is everything and my life long goal is to learn to live on and accept God's timing.

This job, this lunch lady job is so perfectly suited for me. I still feel very much like a stay at home Mom. I am home when my children are home. (I do miss my time with Lily in the morning but remind myself that I only had a few more months of that anyway and I just hug her and tell her that I miss our mornings the same way I did when each of my other children began full days of school.) My work doesn't drain me of the much needed patience set aside for my children to use up. Rather it has given me structure, motivation, some sisterhood and more family support.

 I have a morning routine that is solid and I love a routine.  I was never very consistant about a morning routine as a mother so many times my children have gotten themselves ready and come to kiss me good bye in bed before heading out the door to school. I wish I could say that this only happened because I had been up all night with a baby but many many times it was because I had stayed up late with Todd watching a movie. Then it was simply because I could. Todd's rotating shifts have always been challenging for me. Keeping to a routine Monday through Friday when his days off often fall mid week and the late shifts mixed with the early shifts. When Todd married me I was a morning person who loved a strong morning routine. I am rediscovering that morning person, I wasn't sure she existed anymore. The only sad part is that I nod off at ten and poor Todd is left to finish what ever program or movie we've selected without me. We say our couple prayer before we turn on any entertainment now and I guess it doesn't bother him to much if I don't stay awake.

 I am more motivated to get things done when I get home because I have only a couple of hours before the children come home but also because I am more emotionally filled.  I eat lunch with 9 other ladies every day who are kind and want to get to know me. We work and visit for all but the half hour that we serve lunch to the students. I come home to find Todd has pitched in to help with the house work the way he did when we had babies. I hope he keeps it up. I thank him a lot so it's likely to continue. I can say to my kids you've got to be more helpful I work now and they do and are more helpful. I don't feel overburdened I feel relieved.

I don't feel robbed of anything. There have been and will be sacrifices but they have all been small. In fact lots of thing have played out very differently than they originally seemed. We found some tax write offs. Our pumpkin patch and egg business are two of the things we overlooked. So we won't owe quiet as much as we thought. We have settled into a rough budget that allows for some home improvements, that has always been a hobby Todd and I have enjoyed together so it's wonderful to be moving forward on some projects. We won't have to sell our travel trailer and we will be able to contribute to Steve's mission fund. So our fall fundraiser will be turned over to Audrie this year to run and decide on a non profit organization to donate too. She will use it as a Young Women Project. Then next year we will give it to Sharp and hopefully it will be his eagle project. I love family service projects and hope that this becomes a special family tradition. I am learning to be patient with God. His plan for my life is a good one and sometimes it looks messy but the pieces always come together over time and make sense.