Trea Today

Todd and I Easter 2013

I turn 39 this year. I will have a son Graduate from High School. My baby will start 1st grade. Who I am is changing. I remember the days of babies and toddlers when Church was about the routine because you would never be able to hear anything in Sacrament meeting (Church) anyway. When a date was, the kids are all asleep and we hope they stay that way. My life was lit up by all kinds of firsts, first steps and first teeth, first team, first dive into the pool, first word, first day of school. The firsts aren't over and they will never end that is one of the sweet things about parenting. However, they are shifting. I always looked forward to the different phases of life. I celebrated my first gray hair. I still can't wait to meet my son after two long years as a missionary. To see a daughter glowing on her wedding day. But something is here that I didn't realize would be so present. Disappointment, so many could have, why didn't we do that differently, and if only moments.

We lived in Orem for 11 years I lived in a house that I thought would be our forever home. We moved in 2007 for a job that was lost in December of 2012. If we had never moved we would own our home mortgage free. We both struggle with this, "If Only". Two years ago we moved again mostly for location reasons. We found a home we both loved but realistically wouldn't work and was over priced anyway. It nagged at us for a while and we then prayerfully entered a very difficult negotiation to buy the house. This home is everything we never new we always wanted. One acre a huge front room great for family gatherings and a closeness for our children who all have to share rooms now. Things didn't go how we thought they would, having Todd lose his job meant cashing in all our savings to keep the house. There would be no funds for renovations or missions it was all gone all to save the house. If we had not moved this time, we would be in a home that needed very little maintenance we would still have our savings. Logic says if we were losing the job that would be the better place to be.

The last year or so we both carried this, "What If?". We will talk about how we know this is what was best for our kids emotionally and socially. You can get a real clear picture of what might have been when you just look at numbers but when you look at the experiences and growth of an entire family there is no real way to compare or get a clear picture of how we would all be different. So we focus on our faith and strive to live inspired lives. We forgive ourselves and each other for the times we made financial choices without being prayerful. We have learned our lesson, I hope. We both try very hard to focus on living inspired lives. To celebrate the amazing and beautiful children we are raising. Sometimes it is easier than others.

To work or not work is the issue on the table all the time. In the fall of 2012 we both knew Todd would be losing his job and we prayed about my going back to work. The answer was no. Todd accepted that answer and I fought it. I wanted to help. I wanted to be self reliant. I went on a run and for me this is a great time to ponder and receive direction and revelation. I came home and told Todd that we needed to grow a garden, a big garden. I knew I wasn't supposed to work and if I look at our families emotional needs and step away from the numbers I don't want to work. My life long dream was to be a stay at home mom. But I like a plan and this one was not adding up. I didn't work, Todd lost his job, we grew a huge garden and were able to raise money for Steve's mission with pumpkins. Things turned out okay we are okay. But the feelings of disappointment linger. Todd's job is fine, we can live in the house the way it is it's fine, we are making ends meet just fine. It's all just fine!

I ask myself if it's time for me to work and what kind of work. I would love to be a real estate agent but the timing isn't right. I could wait tables again but I wouldn't be home after school. I could be a school lunch lady but the money is bad. I am living in my own little refiners fire. Learning to live an inspired life is harder than I thought. Keeping my priorities strait is harder than I thought. My children need me in a totally different way then they used to it's just as intense as babies and toddlers its just different. I am adjusting. I have challenged myself to a Quantum Leap. The only way I will be successful is if I can have an attitude adjustment. I have to focus on what I really want and celebrate all the joy that I have in my life right now!

I am writing my personal history. It is good for me. I think it is helping. I am not bitterly disappointed with my childhood or the struggles or challenges my family had. I hope my children won't be either. Looking back some how is helping me look and move forward in a happy way. I had a conversation with someone who is bitterly disappointed with their life. She feels like a victim and is ashamed. I don't want to feel that way about my life. When Todd told me he didn't want a promotion at work I was so mad at him. He just wants to be an assistant manager right now well that is just great! Numbers began to haunt me again. Things won't add up, now I need to get a job for sure. I talked to a close friend and she asked me some good questions. I love Todd, I wouldn't change his personality for anything. She helped me see that if I changed the things about his personality that led him to his decision he wouldn't be him and we wouldn't be us. I like him he is a good kind and hardworking husband and father. I want to remember even this time with fondness. We have so much that is good and happy and beautiful to celebrate.

Quantum Leap

It's okay to make plans. I am making plans again but I am not placing so much on them. They are more like fun ideas of what might be with no time line to accomplish. It's an exercise in hope for the realist in me.
House Plans, Vacation Plans, Occupation Plans. Lots of pinterest.

Showing gratitude for my physical body by giving it better food and exercise.The information is all there I know what to do I just have had a lack of motivation and will power.

Recovering some lost routines improving others. Family Home Evening, house keeping, scheduling, parenting skills, journal keeping (or blogging).

Learning something new and sharing it with my kids. Sign language.

Improving personal prayer and scripture study!!!

Really accepting that I have spent to much time mucking about finding lots of good things to distract me from doing the best ones. I don't know why some women can work and still be great mothers and I can't. Half of me is really mad that working isn't right for me right now. The other half of me is so thankful that I am not. I hate it because there are things I want and places that I want to take my kids. I may never have them. They are good things. But they are not the best and when it comes to best we have those available to us. Most importantly the ability to live by inspiration and set that example for our kids so we prayed and the answer is no I should not work right now. The best thing I can give my children is to accept that answer and live up to the required sacrifice happily. Make the moments matter. Be the best me I can be.

So this year I am making a Quantum Leap. There is no check list there are some Goals and plans but mostly it's all about striving. Our family has a motto, "Practice, Remember, Do Your Best!" If I want my kids to live this I have got to. I began with the desire that I know I can do better than this. I want to see a better me by the end of the year. So I am forgiving myself and taking a leap.