Nightmares

Petrea Joell 4 years old

 There are a lot of scary things about being young. Looking back at some of the things that put fear into me makes me laugh and then I think about how very real it all felt and how much I didn't know. Really it's no wonder.

I had two recurring nightmares as a child first was a dream of my Dad as I had often seen him when we would take him lunch as a young child. He was up on scaffolding doing mason work and there was a pit of spiders under the scaffolding in my dream he would fall in head first and we would all run to try and pull him out. Usually we would be pulling and I would wake up. Sometimes we would pull him out only to find that his head was a giant spider. I think that this dream means I loved my Dad and hated spiders. Still do! I think my young mind understood how important my Dad was to our family, how much we all needed him.

My Dad and I 1976

Then there was the play dough monster. He would chase me through the house and I would decide to fight only to find that I could pull as much play dough off of him as I wanted and it wouldn't hurt him at all.

The real night mare in my young world had to do with Aids. Aids was a new disease in the United States. Children used the word to make fun of people on the play ground, you could say they were officially the new cooties. But it was a real big deal. Stories were on the news about it and adults talked about it a lot. Well I had a blood transfusion as a new born. I can't tell you how old I was when I found out or exactly how I found out. I did a lot, and I mean a lot of eavesdropping on my parents, so that could very well be how I found out that Aids was not just a disease plaguing homosexual men. I was on the list of people who were at risk. Donated blood wasn't screened the way it is today when I was born and so I was at risk. Even at sixteen I worried about having a shortened life.

I had the blood transfusion because I was very jaundice my parents have a blood incompatibility that had something to do with it. The story that I was told was that I had a tube put right into my heart when I was only a few days old. I got new blood to help me live. That blood is likely the source of one of the great living nightmares of my young life. When living in American Fork my parents considered getting a horse. Like most children I loved horses. We went to meet a horse that my parents were considering purchasing and on the way home I was looking out the window and rubbing my eyes. It wasn't me who sounded the alarm, maybe Adam was the one who called to my parents at the front of the station wagon. I remember someone yelling that their was something wrong with me and crawling to the front of the wagon to sit between my parents on the front seat (their were no air bags and no restrictions on children in the front. In fact their were no seat belt laws either.) my mother was very concerned. No one let me look at myself but I was later told that my eyes were almost swollen shut and I was covered in hives. I was allergic to horses and so became the ruin of the whole families hopes of getting a pet horse. I felt responsible and guilty in my adolescent world it was a true tragedy.

Me Kindergaten 1980

 In kindergarten my class got to go on a field trip to a farm. My mother had given me quit the lecture about not petting any animals especially the horses. That day was amazing. I got to see a cow give birth and I thought it was so cool. The temptation to pet the animals weighed heavily on me. I made the very conscious decision to disobey, fully knowing what the consequence would be and deciding that it was worth it. I remember the exact moment when I made my choice and walked forward to pet the beautiful horse. The thing I did not anticipate was the reaction of the parent helpers who had accompanied the class. I was pretty swollen and covered in hives by the time we got back to school and there was a lot of pity whispers and staring. Honestly that was the worst part. I knew the deformities were coming but had no idea I would be treated like Quasimodo. It was likely my first taste of harmful and inappropriate shame unintentionally inflicted as it was, it still was.

Then there was my worst Birthday ever. I had invited my entire class and only three people came.( I think I was in 3rd grade) It hailed that day and was likely the reason but I didn't connect the two things and so began to believe I was not well liked. My genie pig died and my neighbor had given me a bird that was dead the next morning. My Birthday fell on a Friday that year and I was born on the 13th so, ( I had been told that I was born on a Friday and lived and so Friday the 13th would therefore be a lucky day for me.) the proof won out. Clearly I was a very unlucky sort. My blood had to be replaced shortly after my birth, I was allergic to my favorite animal and now the second Friday birthday of my life all my pets died. Superstition was born!

My greatest fear as a child was being kidnapped. The idea of being ripped away from my family or having to get away from bad guys was really scary. Still is! I had begged to see the movie, 'Savanna Smiles' (1982) a film about a little girl who accidentally gets kidnapped. Finally my parents took us all to see it but, it was the drive in and I fell asleep. Movies didn't come out at red box when I was a kid and they didn't have net flicks or any of that. I remember when video tapes came out (VHS) I also remember how cool it was to go to the store and pick a movie. We would have to rent the video player to hook up to our TV to watch the video. I was 9 or so when we bought our first video player machine. So it took years before I got to see the movie, Savanna Smiles. It was a film about a little girl who has to get away from bad guys but they make it seem sweet and she isn't harmed. It would be the band aid to my very real fear of being taken. I would also decide that my first baby girl would be named Savanna. Later when the mini series North and South (staring Patric Swayze) came out, Constance would become my favorite name for a girl. She was a beautiful strong and brave character. I wanted to be beautiful and brave when I grew up just like her.

Harris Family 1982 Warren, Dad, Darin, Mom, Mandy, Corby, Ethan, Adam, and Me.