Devon's Halloween Baptism

 I know that the family is ordained of God. We have to fight for each other. When Steve left on his mission he had no idea how far reaching his choice would be. Hearts have been softened and his influence has been felt directly by my sweet daughter Jessica's family. I would say this is one of the most important Baptism's of Steve's mission and it happened right here at home, he wasn't in physical attendance but I know his whole heart was there. At first Devon wanted Grandpa Todd to both Baptize and Confirm him. But it the truest missionary spirit Todd encouraged him to chose one of the missionaries who had taught him since they don't get to preform many baptisms very often.

 This is the Talk I gave at the baptism:

Devon made the choice today to be baptized. That is a big deal. Lets talk about why this is such a big deal. First of all it’s a choice. Devon’s parents and all his family would love him just the same baptized or not. So it’s a big deal that he is doing this because it’s right for him and not to please anyone but God and himself.

As you grow up Devon you will find that there are those who say they follow Jesus Christ and there are those who show they follow Jesus Christ. Some of those who say it don’t take it into their hearts and live what they say they believe. Today you are not only saying that you want to follow Christ you are showing it. It is really important to do both. You are a very special boy. The power to choose is a big deal and you have parents that support you in making good choices. You made this choice, you choose today to do your very best to spend your life trying to be like Jesus Christ. I promise you that this choice will bring you so much happiness and joy not just today but as you grow and try to be more like Jesus you will feel a special kind of happy strength grow inside of you. Your spirit will become a strong warrior able to resist wrong and shining out to others as an example of the happiness that comes if you live a life seeking to be like Christ. This is what it means to, ‘Take his name upon you.’

Today you will go under the water and come up out of the water. This is to show your faith that you understand that Jesus Christ and all of us will rise from the grave not as zombies, not as mummies but as perfect resurrected human beings. Death is not the end.

Mormon 7:5 Know ye that ye must come to the knowledge of your fathers, and repent of all your sins and iniquities, and believe in Jesus Christ, that he is the Son of God, and that he was slain by the Jews, and by the power of the Father he hath risen again, whereby he hath gained the victory over the grave; and also in him is the sting of death swallowed up.  

This is possible because of Jesus Christ’s Atonement. Atonement means ‘one with Christ’. I have found that the best way to become one with Christ is to be Accountable. To be accountable means that when you do anything that is wrong you will stand before those that you have wronged and admit what you have done. It’s not a fun thing to do it feels pretty uncomfortable. Jesus stood accountable for all of us. He understood us, all our pain, from our bad choices and from the bad choices of others. He stood before God and said I will take the punishment for all the wrong doings that Devon Radebe will chose in his life. I will also feel all the pain and sadness that he will feel. He did this for us all. Isn’t it beautiful to think that he understands all our hurt and all our pain. God is the only one who really knows what it is like to feel the way you feel about anything and everything. It is the greatest Miracle of all Miracles that he could take our punishment and make a way for us to be forgiven.

Each Sunday when you take the Sacrament you are standing Accountable before God. It’s important for you to understand that Accountability is an important part of repentance. It’s the part that shows everyone what is really most important to us and who matters most to us. For example: If you have done something wrong you need to do all you can to make it right. In the government this is called restitution. If you hurt Kiana you need to do more than say sorry right. First of all you need to be accountable, tell your Mom or Dad that you know you hurt her and that it was wrong. Then you have got to do something to show or make it as right as you can. If you ruined her lego creation you could make it right by giving her some of your favorite pieces to build with. Or helping her to rebuild what you destroyed.

When we chose to be Baptized it’s because we know that we can’t be perfect so we do it to show what really matters to us is accepting Jesus Christ’s gift of  saving us. Baptism shows everyone what is really most important to us and who matters most to us. Today you stand before God and you are Accountable you admit that you can not make it alone and you admit that you know you are going to make some mistakes. You also promise to make it right. The restitution you offer is to always remember him, to take his name upon you, you are a Christian, and to keep his Commandments. You will do this today and each Sunday when you take the sacrament. I challenge you to say a prayer either Saturday night or Sunday morning. This will be a special weekly prayer a prayer that you say to prepare to take the sacrament. Pray for help, forgiveness and tell God what is in your heart. Make him your best friend and team mate, tell him what you want, what you need and prepare yourself to feel again the newness and the joy that you feel today as you are baptized. You can feel joy that comes from the clensing power of Baptism each week as you take the sacrament. But it requires effort. You can’t just say it you must show it. Be totally honest with God in your prayers. He will help you to face all of the battles of life. He will help you to find the strength to stand Accountable as a Represtentative of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ. 

 

He lives Devon. I know this, not because I have seen him or any angels for that matter. I hope for it and I have acted on that hope and it has grown into a strong faith. That faith that I have in my Savior and yours is very strong. I have had some very special experiences in prayer, in the temple, in life and each one has helped my faith to grow. I know that as you work to live like Jesus and try with all your heart to keep the commandments and be accountable when you don’t that your hope and faith can grow strong to. I have felt bad and had some really sad times to and I have felt my faith grow then as well. Jesus Christ will not leave us alone if we seek him out we will find him in good times and bad ones. He wants us to join with him and feel the joy and peace that come from being on the Lord’s side. You have chosen today to join the right team, the winning team. Today you make a very wise choice. I love you!

 Three future missionaries Baptized in the last year and a half. My son, my nephew and my grandson. Love these three sweet boys!!!

The Power of Missionary Work

Talk Given in Home Ward July 2015

We are missing a big brother at our house. But he isn’t really missing at all in some ways he is closer to us then ever.

Our missionary is doing well he has been out for 9 months. The language is not as challenging. He has enjoyed his companions so far and is now a senior companion. He has received his Dear John letter and handled that surprisingly well. It seems to us that Heavenly Father has been clear in letting us and him know that he is just where he should be doing just what he should be doing.

One of the fun reminders he has is an Elder who is serving in his mission. The Sosa Sisters were some of his Dad’s favorite people on his mission to Argentina. They accepted the Gospel and have remained in touch with our family. One of those sisters’ has a son that is the same age as Steve and is serving with him in the same mission. They are yet to be companions but have recently enjoyed beat boxing together. Their acquaintance is a wonderful reminder to both missionaries of the blessings that come from full time missionary service.

Brothers and Sisters the Gospel of Jesus Christ is true and this is his church. I’m thankful today for the blessing of sharing with you some of the recent reminders and ways that my knowledge of this has been strengthened through the missionary service of my son in Chile.

In one of his first letters he wrote this:

And now on to the countless less actives I teach. By the way it doesn’t displease me that I’m teaching a lot of less actives here. The church in Chile isn’t like the church in Utah. It also isn’t like the rest of South American where a missionary can get 50+ baptisms in his whole mission. The Church is kind of weak for a lot of reasons. To demonstrate the ward I’m currently in, Lautaro, has 1,700 members. Our attendance is about 80ish. That’s also the worst percentage of attendance in the zone. So obviously there is a problem. And to fix it we have to reactivate the less actives we have, we have been progressing a lot too!

Jorge came to Church and brought a friend they stayed for all three hours. He hasn’t done that in 2-3 years. What makes it even better is the youth just got back from EFY (Especially For Youth Church Camp) so we got two young men in a room full of spiritually Juiced youth!

 

In this letter he talks about two other less active men he had been working with both return missionaries. One of them had a convert from his mission contact him and that was helping his receptiveness to the missionaries as well. I believe that as Elder Loertscher and his companion prayed for this man the power of their prayer reached the heart of that convert and motivated them to contact the missionary that had taught them the Gospel of Jesus Christ.

Pres. Monson said, “As we love our God as we love our neighbor, we can be the recipients of our Heavenly Father’s love. Of all the blessings I have had in my life, one of the sweetest is that feeling the Lord provides when I know that he has answered the prayer of another person through me. As we love the Lord, as we love our neighbor, we discover that our Heavenly Father will answer the prayers of others through our ministry.

Recently our family has had some trauma. I am very close to my little sister we exercise together almost every day. Four months ago she got married and she and her husband just purchased a home up the road from us. He passed away suddenly. It came as a shock to us all. The night before the funeral one of Stephen’s best friends from high school (Felicia) came to our door. She said that she had just got a written letter from Steve in the mail and that she felt strongly that she should come over and share the letter with me. It was a letter full of scriptures. He said, I love this scripture and this is why and I love this scripture and this is why. I asked her if she knew what was going on with our family and told her about our loss. The first scripture that he shared in a letter that was a month old and not even written to me was from 3 Nephi and it said “Ask of the Father, in my name, that ye may understand” He wrote about how we don’t get to understand everything and that God has a plan and we need to trust the plan.

We don’t see the big picture we look up close at our lives like one single confusing piece of a puzzle that only makes sense to us. God has so much more material to reference and so many more pieces to use. This friend felt silly knocking on my door and saying, “here is a letter your son wrote me want to read it?” But she felt the spirit’s prompting and followed it and it was a comfort to me. Somewhere in the world a member felt inspired to reach out to the missionary that had taught them. They may never know that they were answering a prayer that two full time missionaries were praying for a member who needed reminding.

There are two big things that we can do to help the work of God progress. 1^st pray specifically for people by name and second work to develop sensitivity to the promptings of the spirit and follow them.

When it comes to the people in our lives who no longer gather with us in church or in our temples our concern is very intense at first and then we fall into a place of acceptance and the fervency of our concern fades. I think most would say that that is only natural and human. Natural and human, similarly, the natural Man and that natural man is an enemy to God.  As Latter Day Saints we seek to be followers of Christ, under shepherds who are seeking to bring sheep back to the fold. Prayer is the greatest tool we have. When used properly it leads to inspiration and direction. Missionaries learn this very intensely but we can too.

When Steve was 5 he gained two older siblings through the foster care program. We knew that these kids needed permanency because their mother had passed away. Steve has always been a very loving people person his capacity to love is very great. He really loved both of these kids. Jessica and Cameron are their names. As Adults both completely left the church. Jessica married a return missionary and convert from South Africa Xolani. He also has had no interest in Joining with us to worship. This is a heart ace we have grown used to. We would pray for them but not with the intensity we should, that natural man had lulled us into a comfortable acceptance of their choice. When Steve left on his mission it was a big deal for Jessica’s family especially for my oldest Grand son Devon who is 9. Devon was very proud of Steve and told his parents he wanted to serve a mission. Xolani put together a slide show of Steve growing up for me, and Jessica and her family came to church to hear Steve speak she hadn’t been to church in years. Steve told me in an e mail that Xolani would sometimes send a little thank you message back from his weekly Newsletters. Steve writes a group e mail each week and he always shares his testimony about something. Those e mails are a beautiful collection of his testimony on various subjects. Getting a little thank you ‘spark’ back from Xolani was a big deal. Xolani isn’t antagonistic and he has always been respectful and joined us for Family lessons about Easter and Christmas but has been pretty clear that going back to church was not going to happen.

Because Devon became such a fan of missionary Steve of course he began to express his desire to attend church. Jessica called me up one day and told me that she was going to take Devon. But miraculously the rest of the family ended up attending as well including Xolani this shocked Jessica and at first it shocked me to. What a pleasant surprise. When I wrote and told Steve he was ecstatic he said he had been praying intensely for them. Well he wasn’t the only one. We had a visit from the Elders a couple of months before this they issued our family a challenge to make a list of names of people who no longer attended Church, or were not members and the like. Then we were to pray for the people on the list. The promise was that we would see some kind of movement in someone toward living the Gospel. Of course Jessica and Xolani were on our list. Our family decided after taking this challenge that we would continue to keep a list.

Because of prayers offered by a missionary in Chile for a family in Utah and because of Elders serving in Utah who visited a family and asked them to take a challenge, the spirit was empowered. Prayers were heard and answered and it has been months now, Jessica’s family is attending church weekly. My testimony of full time missionary work has been strengthened, my testimony of prayer has been strengthened, and hearts that were once soft to the Spirit of Christ are returning.

In another of Steve’s letters he wrote about a 13 year old boy they were working with and I Quote:

“This week a 13 year old less active we have been working with for a while was ordained to the Aaronic priesthood. We were super proud of him. But sadly (and I hope the kids are reading this part) he was crying after they announced his ordination because his parents are still inactive and don’t want to support him and his aunt and cousins weren’t there either. Only his uncle who we have been teaching him with (who is also the Elders Quorum president) and one of his cousins. He felt sad because he felt alone. Audrie, Sharp, Grace, Cael and Lily, you are all so blessed to have a mom and dad that support you in the gospel and want the best for you. Please don’t take them for granted and listen to them and heed there advice.”

The connection that we feel to our families is deep and can not be broken by time or distance. Families are ordained of God our callings as Parents, wives, husbands, sisters, brothers, are the greatest callings we will ever hold. The power to save is in the family unit.

In March Steve ended one of my favorite newsletters with this:

“The spirit has been really strong in my life and I honestly love how much I can see the Lord helping and blessing me. You guys the Church is true. I would not deny it for any reason and I would just like to bear my testimony to you all that through the atonement we can all be made clean and be forgiven of our sins. God loves us and wants us to return to him and he will put people and things in our lives to help us find this path. All we have to do is open our eyes and look. I love you all. And I know that God loves you too. Continue in Faith. –Elder Loertscher

How The Harvest Party Came To Be

In January 2012 we sold what we had thought was our dream home and bought a unique house. It was and is a fixer upper. But it had a few things we had always wanted, most importantly land. Our acre was zoned agricultural, we got chickens in the spring and talked a lot about growing a big garden and doing a little fruit and veggie stand for the kids.

Things had been rocky with the restaurant Todd was running. Olive Garden in Sugar House Utah was once a fabulous strong business, bonuses were good and Todd was training all the newly hired managers that would be working in Utah. At one time he was in serious running for the General Manager of the Year award. With a few new Olive Garden's opening on the west side of town his location was suffering. Corporations see what they want to see. Two weeks before Christmas of that year he lost his job. We were devastated the plan was always to retire from this fabulous company. Losing employment took it's toll on our family in so many good ways. First of all it was and still is a trial of our Faith. Todd quickly got work as a manager at Chili's but his salary was significantly lower. Lots of things have happened since, that have lead him to believe that he should open his own restaurant, but that is a story for another day. We had to turn over a lot of the expenses we had always covered to our teenagers. Our children have learned to value a dollar in ways that they never other wise would have, that has been a huge blessing to them.
As is often the case we knew months ahead that Todd would likely lose his job. Unattainable goals were placed on him and it was just a matter of time. I wanted to work. If I got employment I could start saving for the anticipated job loss. We prayed about it and the answer was no.  In General Conference the announcement was made that young men could go on missions at age 18. I knew instantly that Stephen would want to go, he was a Junior in High School, so that gave him a year and a half to be ready. I was once again praying about getting a job. I got up early to go for a run. This is often a time of pondering and revelation for me. I came home from running and told Todd that again the answer to my prayer was no, he had already told me it would be. The feeling I did get was, "Grow a garden!" I didn't see at that point how it was the answer to my dilemma and we laughed about it.  The inspiration was pressing enough that we discussed where the best place to put this garden would be. The space had five large pine trees growing in it that would need to be removed.

The space on the south side of our drive way.

We were living very frugally because of the anticipated unemployment. We couldn't justify paying someone to come fall the trees. I had noticed while running that lots of neighbors had piles of clippings from their yards piled up, I realized that the neighborhood clean up dumpsters were likely coming soon. So I called the city to find out when they would be coming. The answer was that day. The dumpsters would be dropped of and picked up the next morning. We had one day to fall 5 huge trees and haul them to the dumpsters. Todd miraculously had the day off. My parents were visiting with their RV so I ran out to see if my Dad was available to help.He was on the phone with my little brother Darin who had experience falling trees and enjoys doing so. He is a school teacher and just happened to have the day off. So within the hour three men with three chain saws were working away in my yard. In no time three became four when our neighbor Brother Angell came and joined them.

Church members who drove by or were working on their yards saw what was up and by the end of the day we had an army of loving friends and family helping us haul away the trees. Bro. Angell mentioned that another neighbor and church member living around the corner(Bro.Bruce Fuller) owned a back hoe for his business and would likely come and get the stumps out for us.

There was never a need for us to ask because he came by and told Todd to call blue stakes because he was going to come and get those stumps pulled up for us in a couple of days. By the end of the day we had a huge pile of fire wood and the trees were gone. For days I cried tears of gratitude for my loving neighbors and friends. Tears of gratitude still fall now when I think about it. We had only lived here for nine months.  People didn't know us very well and very few knew what our work situation was. Some may call that day lucky but I think it was inspired.

Orem 2003

 I have been repeatedly challenged to trust God's timing in my life. I wish I could say I was getting good at it. I obey but I complain about it. I didn't get a job. We prepared to create a garden in the spring. We weren't really sure what the garden was going to be. In July the zoning had changed and we would not be able to have a fruit stand. I thought often about joining a farmers market. but that would mean missing most of Sharp's football games and the idea of missing them broke my heart. Early in our marriage when growing our first garden we had planted 7 pumpkin plants to cover a slope that we didn't want to weed. The result was a large number of pumpkins which we had let our little children sell at a lemonade type stand close to our home. It was a huge success and they all enjoyed having the money for Christmas shopping.

 Orem 2003

The memory of that came to my recollection and we began to discuss pumpkins. We could grow pumpkins. I thought I could fill the truck and sell them on the side of the road after football games on Saturdays. I thought that would work but then the fun of choosing the pumpkin from the patch would be eliminated. I had learned from starting my little egg business that I couldn't place a sign in my window or yard to sell eggs because of the zoning change. So I couldn't place a sign for the pumpkins either. This is when the idea of the Harvest Party was born. We would sell the pumpkins at a private party. We would invite friends and allow friends to invite their friends to the party. Then we started talking about how many of our friends already grow pumpkins in their own gardens, they wouldn't want to buy our pumpkins but would likely want to come support us. So we decide to make scones, navajo tacos and have some carnival type games, we would hold the party to raise the money for Steve's mission. I felt pressed to work primarily because I wanted to help Steve go on his mission at 18 when he wanted to. I didn't want him to have to work for a year before leaving just to be able to go. And because he earned a scholarship he wouldn't be able to defer for that long anyway. We are a family of self reliance we want to do all that we can do. I had beat my head against a wall because for me doing all that I could do meant getting a job, but every time I prayed about it the answer was no. I couldn't understand why Heavenly Father wouldn't want me to be self reliant. But in the end he created a way for us to earn the needed money as a family and instill in our children so many wonderful values about work and loyalty. Heavenly Father really has better plans for us than we could ever make for our selves and he will always answer our righteous desires. I did end up getting a job in the spring of 2014, for reasons I wouldn't have foreseen, but that to is another story.
 Right before our first Harvest Party last year a sister from my ward came to me and offered to pay a quarter of the cost of Steve's mission. I explained to her that we wanted to earn the money to pay for him to serve. She lovingly taught me a lesson in humility and shared the story of how her mission was funded. We also talked about my situation wanting to be a stay at home mom but feeling like I needed to work. She was someone who was always a working mother. We had a fabulous conversation about that topic. I accepted her offer and Steve was delighted. If we held a Harvest Party every year and made the same amount that we made at our 2013 party along with what Steve saved and with this sweet sister's contribution we would be able to cover the cost of his mission. He would be able to go at 18. Steve had his mission papers sent and received his call before he graduated in June. He will be serving in the Chile Rancagua mission. He reports to the Chile mission training center on October 22nd. He has a strong testimony of Jesus Christ and will be an excellent missionary. This coming Friday we will hold our second Harvest Party and we feel thankful as a family to be able to support him in his desire to serve.

A church member gave us 6 dump truck loads of manure.

We planted seeds for family night.

Our patch at the end of August.

The end of September we were ready to harvest.

2013 We had a great party!

We got more than pumpkins from our garden.

Shame is The Enemy

I stopped blogging. In April I got heartbreaking news and I just couldn't write. No one called me to say someone died. I didn't have a police officer on my door step telling me someone was in a terrible car accident and I didn't sit in a Doctors office and find out someone in the family was ill. My shattering news was not the kind we share. I am and always have been a very open person. I don't keep secrets, I am very comfortable with who I am and willing to share just about anything about my life for the most part that has always been okay. This day this awful day in April I was not okay and I felt a overwhelming amount of shame. My single most important job, my dream job, my duty and responsibility as a Mother....I had failed utterly. One of my children had been hurt in a way that no child ever should be. I had failed to protect my child, to keep them safe. My single most sacred duty as a Mother and I failed. Now what? A child doesn't understand these things they don't understand how they will be affected in the future. What could I possibly do. To make matters worse my enemy the person I should hate is someone I also love. My foster son was the perpetrator. I lost my son.

I have no doubt that God loves me! He is a tangible being, he exists! I know it! I had so many hard conversations the day I found out. My Jessica (foster daughter 28 married with three kids.) called me and told me she was worried about Cameron (her biological brother and my foster son also married but separated and caring for his step son.) She had been tending his step son and there was some concerning behavior that led her to believe that Cameron may be molesting his step son. A gray feeling washed over me I knew her concerns were valid and I gasped as I realized that my own children and hers could have been preyed upon. Later in the day I asked one of my children if they were afraid of Cameron. The answer was affirmative and... devastating! How did I stay calm. How did I call Cameron and tell him that I loved him and that I wanted to help him and that I wanted him to get help. He denied it all. I told him that I had to believe my child. He said of course you do. It was a peaceful loving conversation. How did I do that, how did I have that conversation. Then there was Todd (my husband). I had to tell Todd. He held me in his arms while I cried really cried for the first time. I had cried a little when speaking to the law officer earlier. It was important to act fast as Cameron was living out of his car and could easily disappear with his step son. He was found that night and the child was taken into protective custody. Later I would listen to Jessica sob and apologize for bringing her brother into our lives. I would sit that evening with Todd and our child. We would talk about it, what had happened, what was going to happen and I would be strong. How did I do it. How did I survive that awful day. There is only one explanation, God my Heavenly Father helped me get through that day. My Savior died for not only my sins but my pain and I felt the gift of his love, mercy and grace.

Audrie and Tyler

One week prior to all of this I had sat in Church listening to a beautiful song, 'I know that My Redeemer Lives'. I felt strongly that it was the song that should be sung at Cael's upcoming baptism. I also felt impressed to ask Audrie (Sophomore in High school) if she would sing the song with her sweet heart at the time, Tyler. She didn't want to ask him to sing with her and I told her I know it's uncomfortable but I just know it is what is supposed to happen. The two of them practiced the song together in our front room the following week. I listened to them practice after that awful day and then I knew exactly why they needed to sing that song. If I had asked anyone else to sing they wouldn't have practiced at our house with our out-of-tune piano. Tyler played the guitar and the two of them practiced after school and my home was filled with that comforting music a prayer of gratitude that our family so needed.

My Mother once pointed out to me that it is Satan that taught man shame. We were in the celestial room of the temple when she told me that. Shame is the enemy. It was shame that I was and am still battling today. How could I not have known. How could I have failed so miserably. I was so ashamed. I would find myself in a place called 'The Children's Justice Center' sitting in a room while my child was interviewed and recorded by a detective. I would sit with a councilor and talk about my feelings and how I was handling the situation. Then visiting with the detective who told me it was an incredibly smooth interview. This came as no surprise my child is strong, honest, brave and a person who understands that they are a child of God and that with that understanding doing the right thing is a must and blessings come when we do. This was their opportunity to take something bad that happened to them and do something good with it. Help protect another child.

I have been privately in mourning since that day. On a couple of occasions I have found myself in tears. Something someone says or does awakens the ache in my heart. I have had a few special conversations with sweet friends. One particular friend who can relate to how I feel and those conversations help me to heal. I go forward knowing that I have a lost boy, now man out in the world who is truly lost and I pray that help will come for him and that he will remember the last words I will likely ever say to him, "I love you". One of the most miraculous things about this whole thing is that I do love Cameron. I hurt for him. I hope for him. I can't believe that I don't hate him, but I don't. He won't be a part of our lives again. I write this in my blog first because it is part of my story but more importantly because there are people who know Cameron because they knew me and they should know that he is not safe and shouldn't be trusted.

Jessica and her beautiful family.

 As for my kids. Jessica is still struggling and healing. She said to me in one of our conversations how wonderful it was that I believed my child because no one, not even her biological mother believed her as a child. She really is such a wonderful mother and I see her healing from her childhood wounds and am so thankful to be a part of her support system. So much joy has come into my life because I am a foster parent. I refuse to regret bringing her and her brother into my home. So much learning, love and joy have come from it. I have my first three grandchildren and they are beautiful!

I will have concern for my child as they grow into adulthood, will this be a haunting memory that is revisited, very likely the answer is yes. I hope with all my heart that they marry a loving companion who can help them work through any pain that is carried. I have faith that they will.

I continue to work on forgiving myself. The tapestry of my life has so many layers and so many people woven into it. There is a weak spot in the cloth right now and I am working hard to mend it. People sometimes only see one of the colors of my tapestry or a section. Unknowingly there have been kind people who have said the absolutely wrong things to me at the wrong time and have fed the beast of shame. If you are reading this and think you may be one of them please know it is okay. This is my refiner's fire. I am learning and growing and it hurts terribly but I know it is for the best.  My Dad taught me very young not to pass judgement to quickly because you just don't see and can't see someone's whole story. This post this whole blog is just a little glimpse of my story from my perspective and I share it with hope and faith in my heart that those who read it do so lovingly.

In The Park ( Woodglen)

When I was in the 5th grade we moved from our home on Cyd Drive. There were a few strange things about moving. First the parents of a girl in my class were buying my house, that was so weird. I remember my parents talking in the front room to the owner and trying to negotiate a purchase. I also remember how excited they were when they found the house on Jackson Street. They were buying a house, we were buying a house and it was a big and exciting deal. Our Bishop had moved away and was called to be the Bishop in a new area we would be moving into this new area called, Woodglen.

Woodglen was Utopia. There was a huge park in the center of the community with a pond, playground, lots of ball fields, a trail big trees and a play ground. Woodglen Elementery was built right next to the park so again we could walk to school. Also there was a ditch. The ditch had a concrete bottom and was lined on each side with grass and large trees. It really was a well designed community and even as an adult I have not seen many subdivisions set up quite so lovely. My brothers would spend a lot of time catching crawdads in the ditch and pond. In the summer I would enjoy walking in the ditch to cool my feet with friends on the way over to the park. My family would live on Jackson St. until my Junior Year in High School. I claim that area as home, were I grew up. When I here Taylor Swift sing, "The house that built me" I think of the house on Jackson St. This is were I went from little girl to young woman and so many happy memories surround the beautiful community of Woodglen.

I would walk through the park to meet up with friends and boy friends who lived on the other side. So many soccer games would be enjoyed in that park. I would share my faith with my best friend Staci and kneel in prayer on a dusky spring evening in that park. My best friend Matt (he really should have been my boyfriend) would play me a song he wrote for me on his saxaphone in that park. I would kiss my first real boyfriend (Andrew) in that park and my second and third for that matter, lots of young and sweet kissing happened in that park. My cute little brothers with buckets full of crawdads and Sunday walks with my sister. Woodglen Park was like a family room in a toddlers world. I learned so much and enjoyed so much growing up in that beautiful park.

 I have to own that there are a few negative and very very sad things that happend while living their. Denver's Crips (blue) and Bloods (red) gangs. We lived about 45min North of Denver and all I knew about crips and bloods was that they were rival gangs that hated each other. Issues surounding what color you wear and what team your baseball hat displayed were things I started hearing about in Junior High. I thought of those kinds of things as distant big city problems. There was almost an incedent in the park, it was 1990 I was with my boyfriend, best friend and a group of other friends. A little boy was mouthing off to us and the boys in our group talked back. He said his brother was a, "Crip" and he was going to go tell him and they were going to come and get us. Andrew, my boyfriend had a big brother he was Corby's age, Travis, I can't remember why he was there but he was around. This old ugly blue van came roaring into the parking lot that we were all walking toward. All these really scary people got out and were coming to us. There were girls and boys all punked out with ratty hair and the girls didn't have much on. One of them had a chain and was holding it out in front of himself in this intimidating I'm coming for you kind of way. I really couldn't tell you what or if other wepons were being displayed but these people were clearly their to beat us up and they were walking toward us. Travis went running out in front of us and strarted debating and trying to reason with them that we were just a bunch of kids and to just leave. They kept walking toward us. I guess someone living in one of the houses must have seen the van speed by or something because we could suddenly hear police sirens and all those scary people turned around and ran back to their van and drove off. It was strange, scary and unforgettable.

The saddest event that touched my life in Woodglen was the murder of a boy my age Jason Trembath.(Oct. 10, 1992) We had gone to school together and I had a little crush on him early in Junior High. I kissed him once at a silly end of school party (7th grade) on a dare sort of thing but I really did like him. I remember wishing that we had left that party together because the party turned a negative kind of silly and a lot of dumb stuff happened. We were both shy, too shy. He was a blond blue eyed sweet boy. The kind of kid who got good grades, played baseball and had manners. The story goes that he was wearing the wrong baseball hat. Their back yard bordered the park and he was playing ball with his brother, he went to get a fly ball in the park and got into a little bit of a tif with a drunk 14 year old over his hat when he was shot. In 1994 his brother Michael would die in a car accident the night before he was to testify against the shooter. Michael was Ethan's age and was well liked and like his brother a well mannered kind person. These boys were the only children in their family and these events left us heart broken for their parents and the community of Woodglen devastated. Why and how could such a random act of violence like this happen in a neighborhood like Woodglen. Mona Trembath their mother remembered that Michael has said how much he just wanted to be with Jason the day before his car accident. Knowing that she said that, a mother who would get no justice for the murder of her son showed Faith believing that now her boys are together. I to believe with all my heart that they are together and proud of the strength their parents have shown in their passing.

I think we all have tragady's to face in our lives. Mine have not been as devistating or as public as those of the Trembath family. Some of the tragic stories that belong to my family were born in the house on Jackson St. my sister ran away from home while we lived their and my older brother's life long struggle with addiction first came to light while our family lived their. My parents faith and the sometimes imperfect yet concecrated effort they made to teach and save their children was as tangable as any object i have ever seen or held.Their commitment and love for God and faith that he has a plan for earthly families and ways for them and their children to return to him. I grew up knowing that I had a Heavenly Father who loved me unconditionally and that I also had earthly parents who did as well.  That message was never weak through all the other challenging situations that presented themselves in our family my parents set an example of the first and most important thing anyone can do, ask God. Their prayers of love and concern for us were uttered regularly. There is a primary song that goes, "I see my mother kneeling with her family each day I hear the words she wishpers as she bows her head to pray, her plea to the father quites all my fears, I am thankful love is spoken here." I loved and still love that song. It said just how I felt. My parents prayed for us by name in family prayer. They stood and shared the feelings of their hearts in Testimony meetings at chruch. I loved it! I love them. I followed their example and have been blessed abundantly for it. I believe in families and I believe that they can be together forever.

Back to Work After Almost 18 Years

Friday Todd did the taxes and delivered the worst ever news, we owe! We realigned our finances last year to make the budget work with his new job. We thought we had paid all that we would need too. We were wrong. We owe more than I can earn working part time in one year. It's a devastating amount for our family. A feeling of peace came over me and Todd as well. We have said, "I love you!" more than usual and been more capable of accepting this mess then ever before. Are we just getting used to getting the shaft in life or are we growing some kind of awesome faith. I like to think it's the latter and I have proof.

First of all how could I ever feel like I got the shaft, money is a large aspect of running a family and we are always squeezing dollars out of dimes but this family has not gone through a divorce we have had no medical crisis and we have this amazing house that we love and sometimes love to hate. We have more everyday happy than we could ever wish for. I am happy for other people to, the differences in our blessings and life styles doesn't challenge me or push me to draw unhealthy comparisons like it did when I was in my twenties. One of the many reasons that getting older is the best!

It's just got to be faith. Saturday I got to go and see a most beloved cousin sealed to her husband. They have a combined family his three her two and now one together. A sweet reminder that the greatest blessings in life come from being in families. I had been preparing a primary sharing time on Heavenly Father's plan of happiness with a focus on the fact that we are his spirit children. As I pondered this all week the joy of it really filled me. Sunday was fast Sunday and we fasted for help to find solutions to our current financial situation. I shared in church (testimony meeting) the joy of seeing this beautiful family sealed and a little about one of my best friends and her families sealing, the joy of the Plan of Salvation and how wonderful it is. The plans I make are never going how I think they will. God's plan is rock solid. Whether we believe in it or not it just is. I believe that sharing increases my faith and it did. I have this growing confidence in and for God that if I am doing my best and striving he will bless me. The blessings are not what I order up they are almost never what I think they will be but they come. We have learned to count on it.

Monday we got to work looking for answers. We applied for a loan to pay the taxes. The loan officer told me about a waiver we could try to get that she wasn't sure they even give anymore it would allow us to put the full amount of what we owe in the loan at a great interest rate and term. I put together my resume and applied for a few little jobs one 12 hr a week maintenance job that I was sure would be perfect. Todd applied for a few jobs as well. I raked over our budget and sighed at the thought of more cuts. We decided to sell our large SUV and camper/trailer and get a mini van, that will buy down some of our debt and we will spend less money on gas each month. I dished out bad news to the kids. Sharp will have to use his lawn care money to pay for football ($250.00) and Audrie who is already paying most of her way in life will not have a car to drive next year. The old beater truck Steve has been driving will have to be sold. Funny Audrie was really looking forward to driving that thing, I found that surprising. Last week I visited with a old college roommate who presented the idea that turning more financial responsibility over to your children is a gift and teaching tool. For us it hasn't been a choice we have had to do it. Having her present it that way made what in the past has been tearfully painful so much easier. On Monday night Audrie suggested that I apply for a lunch lady job. I did so on Tuesday morning believing that the hours would be impossible and the money not worth the work. I got a call later that day for a interview. The hours were perfect I would leave half hour after putting the kids on the bus and be home two and a half hours before they get home. We talked it over and figured I would take the job even if the money was lousy the hours were just to perfect. The interview was more of a orientation and the pay was 2.50 more per hour than I thought. Later in the day my friend who I had mentioned in my testimony and had been thinking about called with some last minute tickets to see a show at the play house where her daughter works and within thirty minutes we were on a double date with dear friends. In the middle of the rush to get out the door I got a call from the loan officer, we got the waiver and approved for the loan.

This morning I was thinking about working. I don't feel bad about it. We prayed about it last night and the night before. This is all right. Things are going to be all right. They are not what we had pictured or planned but it's all working out and it's going to be okay. Last night my friend shared a great story about fasting and answered prayers and I realized that our fasting and prayer has also brought on a little miracle for our family. Our problems didn't go away but solutions came together with record speed.

I told the primary children on Sunday about how we all shouted for joy in the premortal world  (Job38:4,7) when Heavenly Father told us about his plan and making this world for us. I am full of that joy being alive and mortal and challenged and growing it's a great and wonderful thing worth celebrating.

Because I really am Mrs. Boss

I loved the movie Australia (2008 film starring Nicole Kidman and Hugh Jackman) and for the longest time we had this family joke. I would tell my kids to call me, "Mrs. Boss" and to call their Dad, "The Drover". They would tease me back and tell me no and make fun of me. I didn't care I loved those characters and could relate to them.
In 2012 our family moved and I was asked to speak in Church before we left. Shortly after moving into our home I was asked to speak again. I did something I have never done before. I used the same talk. But here is the thing...it is the best talk I have ever written and it worked for both topics. Also it proved to be a great test for my children to see if they are listening. All three of my oldest harasssed me about how strangely familiar my second speech was. They passed! They really are listening in church!
I wanted my first post to include this talk, speech, sermon, whatever you want to call it, because it sums up why I created this blog. I have lots of stories and the combination of them makes up my unique life. Sharing my stories is a big part of who I am and so here I am blogging.

Talk given April 29^th 2012

River View Ward

            Life is an adventure this young man is leaving to go on what will be one of the greatest adventures of his life. For our family moving into this ward is part of our adventure story. So I thought it would be fun to share part of one of my all time favorite adventure stories!

            One of my favorite lines from this story is,“People like to own things land, luggage, other people… in the end all you really own is your story. I’m just trying to live a good one.”  This story takes place in Australia it’s about a little aborigine boy named Nalla . Due to some desperate circumstances he is allowed to go on a cattle drive. He is excited and eager to show that he can do a, “man’s job”. The head master of this drive is a man they call, “The Drover” because that’s what he does, “droves” the cattle. The Drover is a man of integrity and is referred to as a “trust worthy” man. Before he leads this team of misfits out on this Drove he tells them that there is nothing more intimidating to cattle than a man on his feet staring the cattle strait in the eyes. He makes it perfectly clear that he is in charge and that they are all to keep the, “Drovers Law!” Then as they go out to round up the cattle he teaches the owner of the cattle Sara Ashley who Nalla lovingly calls, “Mrs. Boss” the most important part of Droving Cattle, “Hold the line!” He tells her that you have to keep them together if one gets past others will follow. Your job is to lead them by, “Holding the line.”

            Holding the line is like keeping commandments. The best parents and leaders set the example, share what they know and set high standards this is how they keep everyone together this is how they hold the line. The Drover set a trusted example, he shared what he knew and he let everyone know that he was counting on them to obey.

            One evening during there journey Nalla was responsible for night watch. The cattle were spooked and began to stampede. Nalla knew the cattle were headed strait for a cliff. He hopped on his horse and attempted to round them up. This required him to ride up beside the stampeding cattle. In order to re direct the group he had to get in front of the heard. As he did this he fell off of his horse and found himself on the edge of the cliff. He used the knowledge Drover shared, “there is nothing more intimidating to cattle than a man on his feet staring them strait in the eyes, and he stood and stared at the on coming cattle. He also remembered the teachings of his Grand father King George and began to call upon the spirit. By then everyone in camp was awake and riding out to help. Nalla stood bravely between the cattle and the cliff. What was moments I’m sure felt like hours to Nalla. The cattle became calm and stopped just a few feet away from him. Sara and The Drover ran to him and as his exhausted body fell into Sara Ashley’s arms she whispered to him, “You are safe with me. You are safe with me.”

Brothers and Sisters we each have to find the faith and courage to stand boldly and face the stampedes in our lives!”

Pres. Uchtdorf said, “You need to know that you will experience your own adversity. None is exempt. You will suffer, be tempted, and make mistakes. You will learn for yourself what every hero/in has learned: through overcoming challenges come growth and strength. It is your reaction to adversity, not the adversity itself that determines how your life’s story will develop.”

I love the saying, “We only fail when we fail to try!”

Nalla knew he was not equal to the task at hand. He easily could have decided not to risk it, that it was not worth it, and that it was just too hard for a boy his size.

 

 How often are we tempted with these very thoughts? Do we rise to the occasion when we are faced with challenges in our lives?

In a first presidency message entitled, “Living the Abundant Life”. Pres. Monson says, “Don’t limit yourself and don’t let others convince you that you are limited in what you can do. Believe in yourself and then live so as to reach your possibilities. You can achieve what you believe you can. Trust and believe and have faith.”

Nalla was blessed because he was obedient. He trusted, believed and had faith in The Drover and his Grandfather’s teachings.

Here’s the thing even in that moment facing that stampeding cattle more help was required. You see Nalla was Brave and he was doing all he could do. The pressure was on and he was taking tiny baby steps back toward the edge of the cliff. He didn’t realize that he was doing this. It was only because Sara was there that he fell into her arms rather than off the cliff.

We need out stretched arms and reassuring whispers. We need to keep the people that are safe close. She whispered, “You are safe with me”. These kinds of people are found in families, immediate family, extended family, wards family, and our world wide family. So remember this young man here will be in the safe arms of our world wide family but he still needs his ward and immediate family he will need our letters of inspiration and encouragement.

Family is essential to our success in life. Not just because we need them but also because they need us.

Satan uses the counterfeit for divine nature. He uses entitlement to awaken in us feelings that destroy our families. He tricks us into thinking that our families owe us! Our divine nature as sons and daughters of God is one of Savior hood! It is our job to stand with or go after members of our families to be there when they face the stampedes in their lives to be the safe and reliable place to fall. In that way we are all missionaries all the time.

Family is like Christmas it’s not about what you get it’s about what you give. Being part God’s world wide family means sacrificing our sons parting with them for two years because we love our whole family and some of us are missing. The sacrifice is therefore more of a blessing isn’t it.

Is it any wonder then that temple work is such a huge part of how we worship. By attending the temple we are doing some of the most selfless work on earth. We open the door of opportunity for those who no longer have physical bodies to accept the ordinances of the gospel that will join them into Gods eternal family.

In Nalla’s story Sara Ashley was willing to put herself in a position of great mortal sacrifice and sliding in right behind her was the Drover. The three of them huddled gratefully together on the edged of that cliff holding on to one another.

It came as no surprise that later in the story these three became a family. They had held on to one another in the most difficult of circumstances and each was required to make personal sacrifices of self interest.

At some point each of these characters suffered the loss of a family member for Sara her husband, for the Drover his brother and for Nalla his Mother. Each would have been justified to despair, grief and even depression. For each of them in that very moment of lose some kind of time sensitive action was required to meet the needs of another even someone who they did not personally know.

Selfless service and sacrifice bring on the greatest blessings known to man. For these three it was each other, a new family.

Two times in Nalla’s story someone says, “Just because it is doesn’t mean it should be!” There is an important message in that line. We can do something to make a difference. Our efforts may not always produce the result that we desire but that does not mean the effort made is of less value.

I wonder sometimes when I hear a great story like Nalla’s or read about courageous men of virtue like Nephi and Capt. Moroni. I wonder about my sacrifices and my little efforts. Satan tries to get me to doubt my individual worth, and I find myself asking, how important am I to the story of this world family?

A prophet seer and revelator a special whiteness of Christ Pres. Uchtdorf addressing our world wide family said this, “Be thankful for all the small successes in your home, your family relationships, your education and livelihood, your Church participation and personal improvement. Like the forget-me-nots, these successes may seem tiny to you and they may go unnoticed by others, but God notices them and they are not small to Him. If you consider success to be only the most perfect rose or dazzling orchid, you may miss some of life’s sweetest experiences.”

He went on to say some wonderful things about sacrifice.

“An acceptable sacrifice is when we give up something good for something of far greater worth. How can we tell the difference for our own situation? We can ask ourselves, “Am I committing my time and energies to the things that matter most?” There are so many good things to do, but we can’t do all of them. Our Heavenly Father is most pleased when we sacrifice something good for something far greater with an eternal perspective. Sometimes, that may even mean nurturing small but beautiful forget-me-not flowers instead of a large garden of exotic blooms.”

I felt so much love as I listened to Pres. Uchtdorf. He is truly a mouth piece of the lord. His words were just the thing the sisters of our church needed to hear.

When we make sacrifices we build relationships of trust. Bishops, the fathers of our ward families make sacrifices for us. I think about the energy of their prayers and the loving concern that they have for there ward families. Todd and I have both worked closely with Bishops. This close association allows for a more intimate view they see our imperfections and we see theirs. Perfection is not a requirement for good leadership. A concentrated effort has been and is being made. Bishop’s love us I have felt that love, Todd has felt that love, our children have felt that love. God works through Bishops to bless his children and bring them home. I sustain our Bishop and am so grateful for the fatherly service and sacrifice he renders I trust him.

At one point in Nalla’s story, The Drover adamantly says, “no man hires me no man fires me.” He wanted to make it perfectly clear that no one tells him what to do, his choice and accountability belong to him and him alone.

Much of the good works we do in our world, ward, immediate and extended families is requested it is service and sacrifice that we are asked and are expected to give.

Will you accept this call to serve a mission?

Would you accept this ward calling?

Would your ward do a service project to celebrate 75 yrs of the welfare program?

Would you pick Dad up or babysit or clean up…

I think you get the idea.

Truly this is some of the best service we give.

But to be celestial service we have to choose, we have to choose to whole heartedly give the service and then give when no one is asking, or watching or knowing.

Our family, God’s eternal family is counting on us. He not only trusted us enough to give us bodies he trusted us enough to give us the Gospel of Jesus Christ.

We are taught that peace and joy come from Compliance with the will of our Father in Heaven. He desperately wants us to choose the right. As we repeatedly choose to live the Gospel we choose him. Over time and repeated challenges won we obtain a more perfect knowledge as we repeatedly choose him, choose Christ and choose to allow him to save us, we ultimately give up all our sins to know, to know him. In those moments of perfect, clean and full repentance we feel peace, joy and we know!

Just as our physical bodies grow strongest and best when placed under the strain of doing more, our spirits also must be challenged to increase in strength. I have a friend who returned to full activity 4 years ago. She once shared how hard it was to sacrifice her current life style. It was a huge change and in the struggle to make that change she felt inadequate. She spoke to her brother about these feelings and the struggle. His words were simple and profound. He reassured her by saying, “The sins get smaller and life gets sweeter!”

I quote, “As one complies with the will of our Father in Heaven, there will come spiritual, intellectual, and emotional growth and reassurance through the Holy Spirit of truth. That reassurance and joy can grow into a perfect knowledge.” Elder Ronald Halverson Nov 04

In D&C 121:34-36

34 Behold, there are many called, but few are chosen. And why are they not chosen?

 35 Because their hearts are set so much upon the things of this world, and aspire to the honors of men, that they do not learn this one lesson—

 36 That the rights of the priesthood are inseparably connected with the powers of heaven, and that the powers of heaven cannot be controlled nor handled only upon the principles of righteousness.

Are we striving to live worthily of our blessings?

The greatest blessing any of us will ever know will come from living worthy of our temple sealing.

God wants his children back.

We are not forgotten our stories are not small and in significant. We came to this earth trailing clouds of Glory.

If we give our lives over to God he will make more of us and them than we could ever imagine. That is my life goal that is what my story is all about. You see… In the end we can have so much more than a good story. I love this gospel and feel blessed to be a part of such a special day.

mormon note: When I gave this talk the first time I had been serving as the Young Women President and I told my girlies that I would give them a treat for each time I mentioned a Young Women Value. I got all of them into my talk and was pretty proud of that. Gotta have some cheese mormon fun!